Tantric Sex – Joy's thoughts….


Photo Credit: Askville.amazon.com

I am just heading out the door for a night of fun, but I have been contemplating the difference between “normal” or “conventional” sex and Tantric sex…I had to go back in time quite awhile to try and remember. In fact, I first read about Tantric sex when I was in my teens, so I’m not sure I ever experienced sex that wasn’t influenced by Tantric knowledge on some level (I’m speaking of my healthy sexual relationships of course:-).

So, I realize this is a lot to ask, but I would love to hear from those of you who are drawn to Tantra because you feel that your current sex life is lacking in some way. What do you seek to learn from Tantra or about Tantra? What is lacking for you in your current sex life? Of course, as a Tantra practitioner, I have some ideas myself, but I would love to hear it from you.

You can post anonymously…The more I know about what it is you truly desire, the more personalized my information will be:-) It is always my goal to assist others in embracing Tantra in their lives so that they can be emotionally, physically, and sexually satisfied….that’s what we all want isn’t it?

17 Comments Add yours

  1. P.K. says:

    Hi Joy,

    I dont know if I have a problem, I have a nice sex life with my wife, but I often feel promiscuous, though, have never had sex with anybody else. Is that confusing??????

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Well, I suppose if I were your wife, looking at it from her perspective, your promiscuous feelings may be an issue. It depends on what the boundaries of your relationship are…monogamous, open, poly, etc. If you and your wife are in a committed relaitonship that is 100% monogamous, then your feelings may be a tad mis-guided, but as long as you stick to the agreement of your relationship, and don’t act on your promiscuous feelings, you should be fine. I can see how feeling promiscuous yet fully dedicated might feel confusing…definitely…your feelings are quite normal. From my heart to yours, Joy

  2. P.K. says:

    Thanks, Joy, for your heartfelt advice! Great picture btw, wonderful legs!!

    1. Tantrachick says:

      you’re welcome and thank you! I rarely show my legs..like never, but my lover has been encouraging me to show them off a little! From my heart to yours, Joy

  3. P.K. says:

    Hi Joy,

    You are welcome. It was very heart warming to feel your remembrance of your sister. As long as we dont forget our loved ones, they will always live on

    Love and regards


    1. Tantrachick says:

      Hi Preetham,

      I write from my heart and often don’t consciously remember every post…I wasn’t sure what you meant in your first comment. Yes, I felt great sadness for years, but after a certain point, within the past 5-6 years, I started being able to remember her and feel deep happiness in my heart. She had such a beautiful smile! From my heart to yours, Joy

  4. Dear Joy,
    I am eager to respond to your questions:
    1) What do I seek to learn from Tantra?
    2) What is missing in my current sex life?

    1) It was in 2006 that I first learned of Tantra, when my wife and I attended an Institute of Noetic Sciences (IONS) conference in California. My first book was Caroline and Charles Muir’s. I was captivated by their message. That began my desire to bring mind, body, spirit integration into our sexuality, Mary’s and mine. Riane Eisler’s “Sacred Pleasure” enlightened me regarding how badly we had mucked up one of God’s greatest gifts to humans, our sexuality. I began reading Dossie Easton who taught me that being a slut can be a good thing; Betty Dodson Naomi Wolf and Rebecca Chalker taught me how poorly we educate young girls about their wonderful bodies, and about how to enjoy them; Inga Muscio taught me to be comfortable with the “c” word; Deborah Anapol and Tristan Taormino provided insights into the possibilities of non-monogamy and the hypocrisy of serial monogamy; and there have been many more teachers along the way.

    In 2011, Mary and I attended a private Tantra seminar weekend at Tantra Nova in Chicago. We learned some practices that turned me on, such as looking deeply into each others eyes while facing each other in the lotus position. We also learned about Yoni and Lingam worship. However, I was more “into it” than Mary and we returned to our treadmill lives, without integrating our new learning into our lives.

    Thus, Joy, I am still seeking ways to encourage Mary to become as captivated by Tantra as I have been.

    2) What is missing is that I LOVE sex (even though my performance is more limited now) and Mary is satisfied to pleasure herself. I love to perform oral sex, but Mary was raised by a father who thought that a men only did that with hookers. Ergo, even though it turns her on when I do it, she still feels ashamed or “dirty.”

    It would be wonderful if my wife and I could just play with each other, even if vaginal penetration is no longer available. We have finally begun to mutually masturbate on occasion, but there is not a great deal of enthusiasm.

    Joy, if you have any insights or advice, I would love to have you share them with me/us. Mary doesn’t yet know about the interactions that you and I have had, but at some point I would like to tell her about my wonderful new friend and teacher. One problem there is Mary’s skepticism and jealousy about Tantric practitioners.
    The God in me recognizes the Goddess that you are,

    1. Tantrachick says:

      I have insights and will share more in depth on Sunday when I am home again…but wanted to let you know that I care about your journey. Joy

      1. Joy, you are the best!

      2. Tantrachick says:

        As you posted your comment publicly, are you comfortable with me responding in the form of a blog post and quoting your comment, or would you prefer me just comment in return…? Joy

      3. obriend1936 says:

        Joy, I am not sure what my options are. What do you mean by comment in return? Dan

        Daniel W. O’Brien 504 Green Tree Road Kohler, WI 53044 phone: 847.846.7301 cell e-mail: danryanob@aol.com

  5. Tantrachick says:

    I just mean like I normally do, where I make a comment in response to your comment. The other option is to have me turn this into a blog post where I expand…Totally up to you, I am just wanting to fully respond to your needs.

    1. Joy,
      Normal way is fine.

      1. Tantrachick says:


        Sounds like you have had some lovely experiences and are deeply committed to your wife and you connection with her.

        It is a very common challenge for couples to have a different level of interest in sex, sacred sexuality, and Tantra. There are many women who feel frustrated and many men as well.

        Sometimes both partners feel and acknowledge their frustration, talk about it, and try to solve the issue together. This is successful with some and not with others.

        I think a lot depends on the combined past experiences and the inner desire to create change. Even my marriage has times that are less focused on sex.

        During the child bearing years, when we had miscarriages and even now when Mountain has to go away for long periods of time for work. It can definitely put an extra strain on the relationship.

        It sounds like you are approaching the challenge with an open mind and heart, which is positive. There are two paths I can see right away. One path is to continue self development and exploration with a focus on yourself as a sexual being.

        The other is to continue trying to integrate various practices into your life. The first path often unfolds into the second when the timing is correct. You can work on increasing your own pleasure during masturbation…and during mutual masturbation.

        I am in the process of putting together some of my sensuous massage photos into a “visual guide” to sensual massage for couples. Massage is one way to dive into intimacy.

        Beyond what you have tried, continuing to keep the lines of communication open and patience is all I can suggest.

        There is the old saying “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make her drink.” If your wife is not interested in this process, then it will be much more challenging to have a breakthrough.

        Don’t lose faith however, because anything is possible. Once I am done my book I will send you a link..possibly some of the techniques may be useful.

        If I had to chose one area ton maintain focus on increasing your pleasure, it would be during mutual masturbation. There is an opportunity to make this a deeply intimate and enjoyable process.

        From my heart to yours,


      2. Dear Joy,
        Thank you very much for your in-depth response. I will try to work on mutual masturbation, since I agree that much potential for enjoyment is there.

        Your massage suggestion is also most valuable. We do have a table, but have gotten away from the once a week massage (me massaging Mary) practice, especially with our recent move. Recently, I have read that it is best not to incorporate sex play into massage. My habit has been to provide a “happy ending” by fingering Mary’s yoni and anus. This gets her extremely aroused, but as I mentioned before, she is unable to just hug me as we finish and tell me how great it was, since she views that pleasure as somehow illicit. Joy, what is your opinion on weaving sex into massage?

        Regarding my masturbation, sometimes I can get off by fantasizing. However, when I am not in bed, I watch porn to get myself excited and that can become an obsession. There has been much controversy regarding the benefits or risks of porn. Some women enjoy watching with their partner as part of foreplay. My wife hates porn, so I cannot use it as foreplay. Do you have an opinion about my using porn to become aroused?

        Thank you very much for your time and your insights.

  6. Tantrachick says:


    Yes, many people say to stay in the role of the giver…or the receiver and I fully agree. For Mountain and I, massage generally unfolds like this: i massage him for 30-40 minutes, then we switch and he massages me for 20-30 minutes, which ends in a non-sexual yoni massage and then we open to making love. That is how we enjoy it, but it is a choice for the two of you to make together.

    Careful what you ask for Dan 🙂 I have boycotted pornography my entire life. I have NEVER watched a porno movie in my entire life. Originally it was because it brought up too many issues to do with my past abuse, then I began wondering how the women felt, and ultimately, my research led me to stick with my original intuition (no porn).

    I understand that some women are empowered and some men are empowered both by participating in pornographic films and also by watching them. To each their own. If you like it, it’s good. However, although it is debated, there is definitely at least the potential for pornography to take away from your real life sexual experiences and even to lead to issues with maintaining stamina and erections.

    I have worked with people to help them overcome porn addiction…so I do understand how deep the challenge can go. My two cents 🙂 Just my thoughts of course.

    From my heart to yours,


    1. Joy,
      Thank you for your honest and non-judgmental response on the porn issue. Part of me wishes that I could say what you do about never watching. Nevertheless, the amazing profitability of the porn industry suggests that I am in the boat with numerous others. If sexual inhibition and repression were minimal, there would be a much more limited market for porn. Someone recently suggested that amateur porn is a good choice, since it avoids what can be the phoniness of professional porn. I have been trying to pursue that approach. Some of what I have seen lately is very tasteful and romantic.

      Your advice re massage makes sense. I will try to follow it.
      Thanks again,

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