Does one have sex with a Tantrika…


Hmm…I was checking out my site stats today…I am able to see the search terms people type in when they find my blog. The search term that stood out is the following “does one have sex with a Tantrika”. This is a complex question without a correct answer. Tantra is as unique as the individual practicing Tantra whether as a professional, or on a personal level. My personal Tantra practice is only ever practiced with my lover, best friend…who is also known as my husband. I have never and will never have sex with my clients.

My approach to Tantra is very heart centered. I focus on breath, compassionate touch, self awareness, open communication, developing one’s sexual intelligence, and Tantric rituals. I have had a number of clients ask about intercourse, or sexual contact. While there are likely thousands of individuals who incorporate sexual contact into their practice, that is not now and will never be a part of my practice.

My reasons for approaching Tantra in this way are complex. First off, for me personally (I mean absolutely no disrespect to any other individuals point of view) I would not feel comfortable sharing sexual intimacy with individuals who I am not in love with. I am now and have always been a monogamous woman. I cherish the deep connection I have with my partner (my husband). Because of our connection, love, and partner awareness, we are able to reach states of bliss beyond what I ever imagined possible.

Beyond my relationship, even if I happened to be an unattached woman, for me, being paid for sexual intimacy, or having multiple sexual experiences with individuals who I do not have a deep emotional connection with, even through a Tantric approach, simply would not feel right. I have discussed this sensitive topic with a number women and men who incorporate sexual intimacy into their practice, and I fully respect their individuality, their bravery, and their path, but it is not the right path for me.

I prefer to explore the erotic aspects of my mind through my erotic fantasy writing….I would love to hear what you think about this topic. Although some individuals I work with would prefer a more intimate approach, I know that the majority of my clients sincerely appreciate my boundaries and understand that it provides them with a different level of self development. Any thoughts on this matter?


8 Comments Add yours

  1. Missed Out says:

    Honestly, for health reasons alone it’s a wise choice to have solid boundaries, let alone all your other reasons. So many diseases out there! The horror of bringing something back to your loved one would be, well, horrifying.

    That being said, I’m curious to know how far into th realm of the physically erotic you’re willing to go(and/or the farthest you’ve been) with a client.

  2. Tantrachick says:

    Yes, I tried not to get into the STD issue because I tend to harp on this one a bit much with my clients who are, well, let’s say “adventurous” in their personal relationships.

    For myself, I found the constant pressure to step outside of my comfort zone overwhelming, but I manage to speak my boundaries through body language.

    I must admit that my boundaries tend to be less firm while dealing with female clients. I am entirely open to assisting a female client with achieving sexual bliss…

    Call it gender biased…you wouldn’t be the first:-) It is partially because the motivation is generally different…and it does not breach my personal boundaries or my relationship boundaries.

    I think that, to answer the question about the farthest I have gone, would take away from the beauty, if I were to focus on the physical…I will say that I have gone to very deep spiritual levels…

    I have had clients feel deep joy, sadness, or spiritual awakening. The deepest moments in my sessions are when my clients open their hearts and feel free to express some of their inner most thoughts, feelings, and desires.

    The physical aspect of my Tantra practice is simply there as a tool to allow one’s spirit to soar…touch, combined with nurturing communication, and a sense of uninhibited, yet respectful expression is such a beautiful process to behold.

  3. betlamed says:


    my favourite tantrika, a very down-to-earth woman despite her belief in things that many (including myself) deem rather…. umm… out there, recently told me that, if she had not learned ways to deal with her own desires, she would have ended up “under the client” more than a few times, especially when she started out with tantra as a professional practitioner. I found this a rather interesting and liberating perspective, especially given the prevalent views on female sexuality (and lack thereof) in our society.

    Personally, I never quite understood how one can ask a professional tantrika for intercourse. It’s so obviously not appropriate… and apart from that, it’s simply not what it’s about. Those boundaries are there for very obvious reasons, I think.

    A different, but somewhat related topic: Out of some discussions with the bdsm folk in my town, and my personal experiences, I have started to outline something of a FAQ about personal security with regard to tantra courses, tantra massage, etc.

    You can find it here:

    Feedback, copying, amendment and reproduction is welcome. It’s a work-in-progress, a start, not a final definitive statement.

    1. Tantrachick says:

      I will dig in and check this out, as it is a topic that is close to my heart. My approach to Tantra is very different…Also, I do not feel any sense of arousal or desire while offering sessions…this is not only because of my personal boundaries, but also because of how I am built. I am able to give fully without feeling the need to receive (even arousal) in return….thank you for your comment, I look forward to hearing more from you! From my heart to yours, Joy

      1. betlamed says:

        Well I never had the pleasure of giving a tantric massage. I hope some day I will. I always wondered, as a guy, how I would deal with my own arousal, which I suppose is rather inevitable in that case.

        It’s a bit of a riddle, to me. On the one hand, everything is supposed to be “allowed to be” in tantra. But on the other hand, the receiver is completely passive, and the giver’s arousal is irrelevant. There is some contradiction in there, to me. I actually talked about that with that practitioner, too, and she mystically smiled and said “yeah we’re all kind of asking ourselves that, too…”.

        Clever woman!

        Do they teach that at some super-secret tantra course? 🙂

      2. Tantrachick says:

        I think it is more about the intention of the “giver”…if the intention is to fully give, unconditionally without expectation, then to be aroused or not doesn’t matter because the intention is pure…but to give with expectation of receiving in return, the intention is not pure…just my thoughts…thanks for your energy! From my heart to yours, Joy

      3. betlamed says:

        This makes a lot of sense, thank you.

        Another interesting thing she said was that the energy will always move from male to female, regardless of what you do or do not do.

        Well, me, I’m pretty much a skeptic, so this whole energy shebang is mostly metaphorical and psychological to me. But even on this metaphorical level, I hypothethize that it’s always a circle, because that’s what humans do in intimacy – we exchange energy, rather than give or take.

        Did you write on the whole ejaculation thing? I’ve always asked myself, if ejaculation – in some sense – robs us males of energy – what is the equivalent female version of that energy loss?

      4. Tantrachick says:

        Yes, my belief is that it is an energetic circle…consant movement and ever expanding…no beginning an no end, although one or both lovers can direct their own energy..

        Yes, I did. It’s coffee time, but I will expand later…from my heart to yours, Joy

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