One of Tantrachick’s readers, ‘Chris’, asked a most interesting question this week. Although Chris’s challenges are unique in their expression, having opposing foreplay preferences (one partner likes a quick kiss and a fuck while the other likes to make out for hours before making love) is a common issue between new and long-term lovers.
Also, Chris brings up a valid point. The idea that Tantra must be practiced in a certain way to be ‘correct’ is also a very common misconception. With this in mind, I thought I would share my answer in the form of a post in case someone else is struggling with similar issues.
Background (Submitted to Just Ask Joy): “I consider myself a bit of an oddball sexually, not by my definition, but by how seldom I find others like myself. I was recently on a sexual forum and found no one that could relate to me. There were topics of all sorts of fetishes, but none that fit how I am sexually.
I am a hetero male and my first experience with a girl was merely four hours of kissing. I went into a sort of trance like state, where time seemed to move very quickly. I thought only 15-20 minutes had passed, but it was four hours.
Gradually in post meetings, our mouth kissing moved to face, neck, ears and chest kissing. We started using hands and eventually stimulation of the genitals. After several weeks, we moved to oral sex, but always with gratuitous kissing and touching.
This trance state was always present and wasn’t something that needed to be learned, rather it was automatic and natural for me. The problem is that now it is such a part of me, I need to enter this state to often have an orgasm, or what I consider an enjoyable sexual experience.
I don’t see myself as odd though. A dog or cat will jump on your lap and want to be petted, and will cuddle up with you in bed at night. I find this quite natural, yet humans often prefer sex with little foreplay, where the orgasm is 90% of the experience and cuddling or kissing, very minimal, especially afterwards.
Like tantra, I find the orgasm better the longer the foreplay. Like tantra, I enjoy the erogenous zones without always thinking forward to orgasm, mouths, necks, ears, nipples, buttucks, belly, are all enjoyable in and of themselves. Most people consider this unenjoyable for extended periods of time, while they consider it frustrating and teasing.
Unlike tantra, or the tantra I’ve seen, I find kissing a very powerful aspect of intimacy, and find it nearly non-existent in tantra. I find the atmospheric elements of tantra uncomfortable, such as new agey music and oils and incense. They all seem to distract me and wake me from my natural sexual trance as opposed to enhancing it. Oil seems to create a barrier between the skin on skin contact that I don’t like.
So I see a gap between myself and standard sexual practicers, in that foreplay and intimacy play the larger role and orgasm the smaller, or should I say time-wise so as to increase the intensity of the orgasm.
I seem to have more similarities to tantra, but find the lack of kissing and the formulaic non-freeform aspects of it and nearly always wanting to put it into a massage format a hindrance to my sexuality.
My problem is that I’m in my forties and its very difficult to meet people my age. If I meet someone in person, I can generally sense their sexuality, but many are meeting like minded people online based on common traits and interests.
I don’t seem to be very common at all and don’t seem to fit in any fixed category.
Question: Have you encountered someone like me before?
Joy’s answer: Absolutely! Not of course precisely like you, but I have worked with a number of couples and individuals who find that they are not sexually compatible with their current or potential partners. This is completely normal.
Question: Do you have any advice?
Joy’s Answer: I recommend that you try to let go a little and not put so much attention on your personal style of connecting with a partner sexually, especially not at the beginning of a relationship.
Part of the beauty in any new relationship is to discover what works for both of you together. Of course, if you find that a partner is rushing the foreplay aspect of your time together and it’s simply not working for you…communicate your needs.
However, you must remember that your partner is not obligated to meet your needs if it is not in line with their personal approach. This is true of any sexual relationship for both partners, whether male or female.
Hopefully, if you are with an individual who is compatible with you in other ways, beyond sexual attraction, you can find balance.
Question: Are there more free-form tantrics out there who aren’t into the more standard Asian themed, massage formula?
Joy’s Answer: This is a tricky question to answer. First, there are as many forms of Tantra as there are people practicing Tantra. Also, you can move beyond Tantra to ‘sacred sexuality’, which has less structure, if that’s what you’re seeking.
I remember years ago when my hubby and I were deep into our own exploration of Tantra. I was terrified to break out of the ‘structure’ and rituals that we were learning and then creating for ourselves. I wasn’t sure if it would still be ‘Tantric’ of me:-)
One night, while laying in bed together, I turned to my lover and said “Now that we’re having Tantric sex, does that mean we can’t just straight up fuck anymore?” We both broke out laughing and decided to relax a little and let our energy flow into trance like states through various forms of stimulation, foreplay, and sexual positions and styles that worked in the moment.
What I recommend for you specifically is to search the library catalogue or a local book store for a few books on sacred sexuality, tantra (Red Hot Tantra is a book that you might like) and try to find something that resonates with you.
Question: Are there sub groups within tantra?
Joy’s Answer: Yes. There is White Tantra, which tends to be perceived as more structured or traditional, Red Tantra, Modern Tantra and Neotantra just to name a few.
Beyond Tantra, I have found a lot of valuable info from the Quodoushka teachings, and of course sacred sexuality in general. If you are looking for something totally unstructured and open to interpretation without any preconceived rituals, you may like to use the term ‘sacred sex’ for your own trance-like sexual practices.
Question: Do you think there’s any hope in me finding someone I’m sexually compatible with?
Joy’s Answer: Without knowing you on either a personal or professional level, I cannot definitively answer this question. That being said, I truly believe it is possible for each person to find someone who they are compatible with. The trick to compatibility, however, is often a certain level of compromise…give and take..open communication and above all, patience.
One aspect of Tantra that you mentioned that you don’t necessarily embrace is massage. I suspect that this is one of the techniques or ‘ingredients’ if you will, that is missing from your foreplay ‘toolbox’.
After a stressful day with a million thoughts and to-do lists running through my mind, a sexy massage and a gentle yoni massage opens me to a longer and more fulfilling love-making session.
As for your dislike for the oils, sensual music and incense; those are all personal choices. I have many different ‘sensual playlists’ on my computer ranging from Nine Inch Nails to Deva Primal…all depends on the mood I’m in. 🙂
As for your issue with oil; I love the feel of oil on skin…my skin…my lover’s skin, but once again, that’s a personal choice. You might want to try a lighter oil like tea seed oil as thicker oils can create a bit of a barrier.
incense is just something us Tantra bohemian types tend to enjoy:-) As for the kissing aspect…this deserves a post all of its own…check back tomorrow for a post about the Art of Tantra and Kissing.
Just my two cents. If you have any other questions or would like further clarification, please ask away! From my heart to yours, Joy
- Video: What Is Tantra? (theartofbeingjoy.wordpress.com)
- The Trance Dance of Sex and Sacred Rituals (theartofbeingjoy.wordpress.com)
- Tantra Bootcamp – FREE for Tantrachick blog subscribers! (theartofbeingjoy.wordpress.com)