Just Ask Joy: Sexual compatibility, massage and Tantra

Young couple having romantic fun in bedOne of Tantrachick’s readers, ‘Chris’, asked a most interesting question this week. Although Chris’s challenges are unique in their expression, having opposing foreplay preferences (one partner likes a quick kiss and a fuck while the other likes to make out for hours before making love) is a common issue between new and long-term lovers.

Also, Chris brings up a valid point. The idea that Tantra must be practiced in a certain way to be ‘correct’ is also a very common misconception. With this in mind, I thought I would share my answer in the form of a post in case someone else is struggling with similar issues.

Background (Submitted to Just Ask Joy): “I consider myself a bit of an oddball sexually, not by my definition, but by how seldom I find others like myself. I was recently on a sexual forum and found no one that could relate to me. There were topics of all sorts of fetishes, but none that fit how I am sexually.

I am a hetero male and my first experience with a girl was merely four hours of kissing. I went into a sort of trance like state, where time seemed to move very quickly. I thought only 15-20 minutes had passed, but it was four hours.

Gradually in post meetings, our mouth kissing moved to face, neck, ears and chest kissing. We started using hands and eventually stimulation of the genitals. After several weeks, we moved to oral sex, but always with gratuitous kissing and touching.

This trance state was always present and wasn’t something that needed to be learned, rather it was automatic and natural for me. The problem is that now it is such a part of me, I need to enter this state to often have an orgasm, or what I consider an enjoyable sexual experience.

I don’t see myself as odd though. A dog or cat will jump on your lap and want to be petted, and will cuddle up with you in bed at night. I find this quite natural, yet humans often prefer sex with little foreplay, where the orgasm is 90% of the experience and cuddling or kissing, very minimal, especially afterwards.

Like tantra, I find the orgasm better the longer the foreplay. Like tantra, I enjoy the erogenous zones without always thinking forward to orgasm, mouths, necks, ears, nipples, buttucks, belly, are all enjoyable in and of themselves. Most people consider this unenjoyable for extended periods of time, while they consider it frustrating and teasing.

Unlike tantra, or the tantra I’ve seen, I find kissing a very powerful aspect of intimacy, and find it nearly non-existent in tantra. I find the atmospheric elements of tantra uncomfortable, such as new agey music and oils and incense. They all seem to distract me and wake me from my natural sexual trance as opposed to enhancing it. Oil seems to create a barrier between the skin on skin contact that I don’t like.

So I see a gap between myself and standard sexual practicers, in that foreplay and intimacy play the larger role and orgasm the smaller, or should I say time-wise so as to increase the intensity of the orgasm.

I seem to have more similarities to tantra, but find the lack of kissing and the formulaic non-freeform aspects of it and nearly always wanting to put it into a massage format a hindrance to my sexuality.

My problem is that I’m in my forties and its very difficult to meet people my age. If I meet someone in person, I can generally sense their sexuality, but many are meeting like minded people online based on common traits and interests.

I don’t seem to be very common at all and don’t seem to fit in any fixed category.

Question: Have you encountered someone like me before?

Joy’s answer: Absolutely! Not of course precisely like you, but I have worked with a number of couples and individuals who find that they are not sexually compatible with their current or potential partners. This is completely normal.

Question: Do you have any advice?

Joy’s Answer: I recommend that you try to let go a little and not put so much attention on your personal style of connecting with a partner sexually, especially not at the beginning of a relationship.

Part of the beauty in any new relationship is to discover what works for both of you together. Of course, if you find that a partner is rushing the foreplay aspect of your time together and it’s simply not working for you…communicate your needs.

However, you must remember that your partner is not obligated to meet your needs if it is not in line with their personal approach. This is true of any sexual relationship for both partners, whether male or female.

Hopefully, if you are with an individual who is compatible with you in other ways, beyond sexual attraction, you can find balance.

Question: Are there more free-form tantrics out there who aren’t into the more standard Asian themed, massage formula?

Joy’s Answer: This is a tricky question to answer. First, there are as many forms of Tantra as there are people practicing Tantra. Also, you can move beyond Tantra to ‘sacred sexuality’, which has less structure, if that’s what you’re seeking.

I remember years ago when my hubby and I were deep into our own exploration of Tantra. I was terrified to break out of the ‘structure’ and rituals that we were learning and then creating for ourselves. I wasn’t sure if it would still be ‘Tantric’ of me:-)

One night, while laying in bed together, I turned to my lover and said “Now that we’re having Tantric sex, does that mean we can’t just straight up fuck anymore?” We both broke out laughing and decided to relax a little and let our energy flow into trance like states through various forms of stimulation, foreplay, and sexual positions and styles that worked in the moment.

What I recommend for you specifically is to search the library catalogue or a local book store for a few books on sacred sexuality, tantra (Red Hot Tantra is a book that you might like) and try to find something that resonates with you.

Question: Are there sub groups within tantra?

Joy’s Answer: Yes. There is White Tantra, which tends to be perceived as more structured or traditional, Red Tantra, Modern Tantra and Neotantra just to name a few.

Beyond Tantra, I have found a lot of valuable info from the Quodoushka teachings, and of course sacred sexuality in general. If you are looking for something totally unstructured and open to interpretation without any preconceived rituals, you may like to use the term ‘sacred sex’ for your own trance-like sexual practices.

Question: Do you think there’s any hope in me finding someone I’m sexually compatible with?

Joy’s Answer: Without knowing you on either a personal or professional level, I cannot definitively answer this question. That being said, I truly believe it is possible for each person to find someone who they are compatible with. The trick to compatibility, however, is often a certain level of compromise…give and take..open communication and above all, patience.

One aspect of Tantra that you mentioned that you don’t necessarily embrace is massage. I suspect that this is one of the techniques or ‘ingredients’ if you will, that is missing from your foreplay ‘toolbox’.

After a stressful day with a million thoughts and to-do lists running through my mind, a sexy massage and a gentle yoni massage opens me to a longer and more fulfilling love-making session.

As for your dislike for the oils, sensual music and incense; those are all personal choices. I have many different ‘sensual playlists’ on my computer ranging from Nine Inch Nails to Deva Primal…all depends on the mood I’m in. 🙂

As for your issue with oil; I love the feel of oil on skin…my skin…my lover’s skin, but once again, that’s a personal choice. You might want to try a lighter oil like tea seed oil as thicker oils can create a bit of a barrier.

incense is just something us Tantra bohemian types tend to enjoy:-) As for the kissing aspect…this deserves a post all of its own…check back tomorrow for a post about the Art of Tantra and Kissing.

Just my two cents. If you have any other questions or would like further clarification, please ask away! From my heart to yours, Joy


17 Comments Add yours

  1. jeffstroud says:


    Every time I read your blog I feel like I need to go somewhere secret to read it. And I have a sense I am spying on your sexual behavior! Oy! Laughing…

    I find this blog brilliant, honest, as well as informative. Thank you so much for sharing this.
    Being honest and open about any part of being in a relationship allows it to be more authentic and fulfilling … as well as to each his or her own experiences and preferences in sexual practice ! Finding what works, and practice, communication and more practice…

    1. Tantrachick says:

      lol…Yes, I could see how you might feel that way, Jeff! Thank you kind sir for your beautiful compliments! They are sincerely appreciated! From my heart to yours Joy
      ps: yes, practice, practice, prac`tice! I second that!

  2. Chris says:

    Thanks for your comments.

    Yes, its me that you’re quoting.

    To clarrify, I don’t mind massage, I think almost all people love a good massage. The tantra folks I’ve met usually put it in the forefront. Was with a tantric woman once and it seemed to be a staple and make the times together less creeative and more formulaic.

    Oil though, I still don’t get. You seem to need to be in a really warm room, as it acts like a liquid that makes you feel cooler. The warm room makes the sex to follow very uncomfortable to me. If used as foreplay, then the following sex must also be a slippery undertaking, and post session, showering is necessary prior to going back to bed and kissing, cuddling, spooning, what have you, before falling asleep together. I would prefer to after sex, not leave the bed, and just enjoy my partner’s body.

    I’m currently not with a partner and have found those that don’t respond positively to my style can be communicated with about it, but its such a spiritual thing that even if they try to mimic what I describe, it manifests in a very artificial way and the sexual trance never gets off the ground. I also need someone who shares my desires, and not just a perfomer. My needs aren’t about pleasing me, but about two people sharing an experience. If the other isn’t into it, but just doing it for me, it doesn’t work.

    Many who are in small sub groups of fetish only find other like minded partners online, but it seems far easier for BDSM types to find each other based on commonality.

    I just was wondering if there was a subgroup in tantra. Like most of your links, tantra seems to have a very for-profit element with workshops and such. I’m already a natural tantra, and am just looking to meet others like myself, yet I find myself a bit of a unicorn. Was more interested in finding forums and such with people like myself that I could get to know.

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Yes, I see what you’re saying. It sounds like the inidviduals you are connecting with are more focused on White Tantra. In general, I think the Red Tantra and Modern Tantra approach are more in line with what you are interested in. I can also see what you’re saying aobut the oil, massage and heat…my lover and I have sheets that we use specifically for ‘oil play’ so that we don’t have to worry about getting oil on our sheets, but we both like the heat, so it makes sense if you like a cooler space that the oil would chill the body.

      We are personally very free in our approach to massage, but once again, it’s such a personal undertaking that each individual and each couple is different. I have contemplated creating a forum for potential partners to meet, especially considering the fact that one of my hats is ‘matchmaker’ aka ‘the love goddess’. However, my concern with creating such a space is that it would take so much time to moderate, which is why most dating services or connection spaces online charge a fee.

      I have no idea, for instance, how much time I spend on this blog, which does not provide me any income at all. However, this is my life’s passion, so I am happy to be doing what I enjoy. I am happy to hear communication is not an issue…Because I am so happily connected, forums or meet up spaces are not something I am familiar with, but I will keep it in mind and let you know if I come across something that seems to be in line with what you are seeking! Thanks for sharing, from my heart to yours, Joy

      1. Chris says:

        Thanks again,

        The fact that you’re doing this as a passion is why I entrusted my thoughts and concerns with you.

        First, with the oil thing, you don’t fall asleep oily on your special oil sheets do you? For a once in while thing, its not problematic, but for daily intimacy, it seems one would have to leave that spiritual state and shower after. Maybe keeping candles in the bath and showering together afer would help but it still sounds preferable to resume kissing and spooning after intimacy and fall asleep in each others arms, warm and dry 😉

        Have you tried googling “tantra forums”? Its pretty sparce. I think you could find more like minded people into diaper fetish online.

        Maybe we’re one of the most minuscule sub groups, which is what I was curious about originally.

        I’m following the two posts you made based on my questions so reply or if you can email me, please do so, if you find a non-commercial community of others like me.

      2. Tantrachick says:

        Thank you, it is so nice to hear that my passion is part of what allowed you to open your trust to me! If you use the right oils, they are quick to absorb into your body, rather than staying on your skin. We also have a massage table which makes things easier…but I love the feeling of heat, hot bodies and oil skin-to-skin. As I said, we have a set of sheets that easily absorbs any excess oil, but if you use the right oils, heated with a pump dispenser, there generally is no excess oil.

        Also, a hot soak in a tub together or follow up shower sex is fine with me! To each their own…if you like it, it’s good! I did search Tantra forums today…I see your point! It is challenging to maintain a non-commercial community because you tend to attract a few predators, spam and loads of innapropriate behaviour…by inapropirate, I mean mildly abusive on a sexual level…so, someone has to moderate the on-goings, which takes so much time that most people charege a nominal fee..

        I will of course keep my eyes and ears open and let you know if I find something in line with your needs. Good luck and I hope you keep stopping by! Joy

  3. Tantrachick says:

    Hi Chris…I don’t know why it didn’t cross my mind earlier, but Tantra Bootcamp (currently free for Tantrachick subscribers) just started today. It isn’t too late to join…let me know if you’re interested…not sure if it would resonate with you or not, but thought I would offer.

    http://www.tantrabootcamp.com From my heart to yours, Joy

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Hi Chris…I approved your Tantra Bootcamp forum subscription. Please watch the intro video on the front page and the go into the what is your motivation discussion…introduce yourself and if you feel inclined…it would be great if you could also provide some peer responses to the other group members…welcome!

  4. Michael says:

    Hi do you give out sexual advice?

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Yes. You can email me your question: joy at thepleasureactivist.com and I will either respond directly or respond anonymously via a blog post…I am currently offline, so it sometimes takes me a few days to respond:-(

      From my heart to yours, Joy

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.