Guest Posting: Self Arousal and Intimacy

Love and intimacy
Image via Wikipedia

Self Arousal & Intimacy

Whether you are a man, a woman, single, in a relationship, straight or gay. Whether you are in a monogamous relationship, exploring the excitement of open relationships, at every moment, in every day there is an opportunity to connect deep within you. To reveal yourself to yourself. Your fears, your dreams, your desires, and just your beautiful being.

As part of all of that, there is the experience of self arousal, of deep intimacy.


Intimacy is being able to be with yourself while being with someone else. To really enjoy them while enjoying yourself, to experience them while experiencing yourself. To never lose yourself, to be so aware of yourself that in that awareness the energy, the space between you can create something new, which you then walk away with and from, changed.

This means that the very definition of relationship, of intimacy, needs to be re-looked. It means that you can have the most intimate moments in public spaces. It means that you can at any moment explore the depths, the mystery of your being. It also means that you can be with the same person for years and truly still revel in them and in the relationship between you. That you can truly let them explore them without feeling you will be lost as they would, as you are always in yourself.

It doesn’t mean you can’t bring things to their attention of them to yours, but even that space becomes easy, freeing, fun.

On Soul Mates

In this life-time, I, like you have met many people who have been soul mates in other life-times. Some come to me in this life as just challenging, some as my friend, some my nieces, my nephew, some as lovers, some as teachers. That’s the truth, we have lots of them. A friend recently shared that in some cultures if you have tea with someone there has been a past life connection – interesting take…

Self Arousal

Arousal begins in the mind, we have heard that, experienced that so many times. We know that it is true.

I have learnt and continue to learn that the experience that is good is real – its true. The feelings that make us uncomfortable are not. This doesn’t means though that we need to run away nor analyse the ones that are uncomfortable, but to merely allow it, to feel it, welcome it and see where it goes – not to feed it with thought.

Arousal begins with allowance. It begins with what we are willing to allow, and begins with what we are willing to see. Every human being has the ability to feel arousal, and to arouse us and we them, we just choose to allow it or not.

When we choose not to allow it, it could be a fear, a potential we are scared to allow, it could be a belief, a thought that creates that energy, it can be as simple as a question of wonder about them. We of course can also choose how we want to experience it and express it. There is choice here.

Daily Arousal

In a moment, a drive, when we become conscious of ourselves (and I have learnt the easiest way to do that is to focus on my hands) we have the experience of our being, the experience of our essence the power within. It may take a while to truly get used to it. For me it is something I am still exploring, with some others seeing it, seeing my potential more than I can at the moment, having more belief and faith in me. With me not sure if I am at the bottom of the sea, lost or at the tip of an ice-berg.

Then there is also a question of sharing it, with some people it seems so natural, so easy, with others its easy but there is also a hesitation, there is such a strong desire for it to be seen that it gets so muddled, and its so funny and so sad.

So, back to becoming conscious of our hands, then the being within. With that awareness the body tingles, the juices liven up, the experience within becomes so grounded, so centred, so delicious, so expansive.

With it, every aspect of being becomes heightened, every part of the body, the soul, the experience is turned on, Every part is alive, playing, exploring, making love to itself. The world just looks brighter. Yes, with it, the fears become heightened, the hidden parts of self defence awakens – but it is because of the power within, the power to embrace them so that they shift, they no longer have the power over you, your life.

With that, the possibilities are endless, limitless. Which then creates a whole new way, a whole bunch of other fears, excitement too…

Arousal in Relationship

When we are in a relationship, the first few months are amazing, the excitement, the anticipation, nothing needs to be worked at. If there are restrictions placed, ask about them, nothing at this point should be restricted, everything should be allowed to flow, to be created to naturally move, nothing excluded, the past relationships should not be the reason to make things different in this one, if something comes up at later point, address it, but at this stage, play, laugh, flirt.

In relationship what’s going on in your world, in your mind, the thoughts you have, the conversations affect the relationship, the energy placed into it, the things we see.

Even in relationship, the arousal is within, it is a personal arousal, a personal anticipation. What is allowed depends on the willingness for it, between you, within you. If one person is willing and the other not, there are instant limitations placed, the flow is disrupted.

So, now you stand in front of someone, this person may be your life partner, or perhaps a one night stand. As you become aware of yourself, your own being you feel yourself connected to yourself. From that place, as you touch and are touched you get into your being – you use what you feel to arouse yourself. You use the feel of their body to feel within yourself, to turn yourself on. You allow yourself to be engulfed by their beauty, to watch them, and as you do, you turn yourself on. And as you turn yourself on, use their body to arouse yourself, you allow yourself to become freer, to love deeply, to allow your body to naturally respond, to flow, without limitations, without boundaries, without expectation of what tomorrow may be like, what it means for the relationship.

It is a scary place when you are in relationship, when there seems so much at stake, perhaps there is, perhaps there isn’t, perhaps it matters,  perhaps it doesn’t. But when you do this, when you use their body to arouse yourself, when the aim is not their arousal, but yours, then the awareness of the space between you, the connection is beautiful, its clean. Whether it’s a one night stand or a relationship of eternity, every encounter becomes the expression of yourself, the freedom within, its clean, you wake up the next morning with acceptance of what was, what is. A new experience of yourself, to take with you, to be.

It is a clean experience if it is free, if the intention is pleasure, without analysis. In that space you can expand and shine and grow and you will experience yourself with such joy, gentleness. Whether that experience is orgasm or not, the energy in yourself and the world will be fulfillment, acceptance.

Of course if you are in a relationship and you experience this with another, there are some ways to make the primary relationship safe too. You also cannot in my opinion explore something if the partner you are with is not part of it, by that I mean consent. Consent for me is not saying sure as you feel you have no real other choice. Consent means, I am right beside you, I am with you in this, this will enhance our relationship, our connection, and we will explore so much more together. The connection you experience with another is only truly clean, if you are in a relationship if no one is hurt, no one is compromised. Anything else and its not clean, even if you think it is, even if the desire is so high. That is a true consciousness.

This cleanness is not something that can just be experienced when there are no logistics, no issues, no emotional commitment, it is an experience that goes beyond all of that when we allow it. The allowance is in the body, the mind.

It is a willingness to explore more and more of yourself, without expectation nor limitation of what that is. It is focusing on your own body, your own awareness as you stand before someone and experience them. And when you get used to this, you can experience yourself, them and something created between you.

It is the making of love with yourself, the surrender to whats given, taking what is given as your own, making it yours, because it is. It is using that and everything around you as an object to your arousal, to the sensual nature of being, of engaging. That includes the expression of it sexually, but it more than that, its bigger than that, it is the continuous making love to your self, becoming curious about yourself, noticing the sensations in your being, the sensations in your head, your mind and the stillness of it. It is the loving of the universe, the universe within you.

That is the arousal of yourself, the arousal of yourself erotically for sex, for life, for living, for being, for creating. That is life.

by Farhana Goga
Life Coach & Counselling Psychologist

Related articles

2 Comments Add yours

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.