Sexual Healing: From Victim to Sex Goddess

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Freedom
Freedom (Photo credit: Bohman)

While writing my visual guide to bodywork for couples….my husband and I began talking about our sexual history. It was very interesting to hear his perspective. We got together when I was 24 years old. I had experienced sexual abuse my entire life. My adopted father began preening me for abuse as a baby and began “sexual petting” when I was just a tot. Through years of sexual abuse, the stage was set for more abuse during my teens. I would seek out protectors…who would turn out to be predators. As I moved through my teens and into my early twenties, I experimented with celibacy and bisexuality as I tried to find a safe path to sexual exploration….

After the disaster of my first marriage…I was a damaged woman with a hell of a lot of sexual baggage. Mountain entered my life during the crux of a crisis. One that I don’t often talk about. One that left me damaged and broken to the core. The positive thing about having your mind, body, spirit and heart crushed beyond repair….is that you can’t repair yourself. You must start over. It is a rebirth of sorts. That was my experience, anyways. When I remember facing my reflection in the mirror with my lip busted open, my eye swollen and black, my yoni throbbing in response to the pain of unwanted penetration…it is as if I am watching a movie…it is not me. It is the me I was at the time…but that moment has passed…that woman has transformed herself…

After facing so many dark moments…when Mountain and I first made love…we didn’t get very far before fear swallowed me whole. A rush of fear, apprehension and hesitation flooded my brain with negativity…It was our first time together and we were naked on a picnic table, making love in the rain on a stormy night. My tears joined the rain on my body….washing away a layer of healing. It was the beginning of a wonderful journey.

Our path to sexual bliss was filled with tears, joy and the development of an intense, loving bond and connection that has been tested umpteen times over the years. I find it harder to talk about the dark shadows from my past…because it is not a joyous or sensual subject. However, without the darkness, we do not know that we are experiencing light. My past, although it only exists within my mind…is a part of this path….my path.

The bottom line: Healing is possible…but it takes time, patience, trust and a safe space to explore. From my heart to yours, Joy

13 Comments Add yours

  1. I appreciate your honesty, your emotions, and your desire to be a survivor and victor of your past. Determination to thrive is the necessary element for healing I believe. Keep up the good journey.
    Yisraela

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Hello Yisraela,

      Thank you so much for your supportive words of encouragement! From my heart to yours, Joy

  2. Thankyou so much for sharing this.Freeing the pain and guilt and fear that was associated with the body and sexuality to me is very Tantric.
    There is a lot of discussion lately on the Tantric sites about what is Tantric and what isn’t, and the bottom line for me is anything that frees you to be all that you are whilst you are in this physical form, and helps you experience more love is Tantric to me. Joy, thank you for this blog and your sharing and talking about these topics that have lived under the shroud of guilt and fear for so long.
    xxxx

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Wow, very powerful words! Thank you from my heart to yours for expressing yourself, your wonderful philosophy and for joining the conversation! In Community, Joy

    2. Tantrachick says:

      Thank you John..I must check out your blog! xox Joy

  3. John O says:

    Thank you, Joy!

  4. jeffstroud says:

    Very powerful and brave! Thank you for sharing this process of recovery!
    I though writing what I do on my blog was tough sometimes. Yet standing naked in our
    light allows us to move from our shadow.

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Talk about powerful! “Standing naked in our light allows us to move from our shadow.”
      That is beautiful, Jeff! Thank you for your continued support and beautiful writing!
      From my heart to yours, Joy

  5. Jerry Tyner says:

    Joy,

    Thank you so much for your honesty and openness. It is amazing how far you have come after being so seriously victimized by those who should have been your protectors and friends. One of my goals as a future marriage and family therapist is to work with people who have gone through this kind of experience and help them achieve the level of healing you have. God bless you and may your light continue to shine and inspire.

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Dear Jerry,

      You’re welcome. It is not always easy to share the darker aspects of my life. Because of my “damaged spirit and body” I literally walked into a number of very damaging and traumatic moments and relationships.
      Quite honestly, when I share some of the more negative moments of my life, it is extremely humbling. I have to step back and remind myself that it’s okay to allow others to know that you were once gullible, naive and broken.
      It is not easy though, I must admit. Thank you for your encouragement and for the time and energy you put towards making the world a more positive place…

      From my heart to yours, Joy

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