Just Ask Joy: Lack of Sex Drive

pornography (Photo credit: C. G. P. Grey)

Question: “I have lost interest in having sex with women, and I visit bbw sites to wet my appetite. I don’t understand why…please help!”


Joy’s Answer: I have thought about your question over the past day or so. I don’t have a lot of background information to help me navigate your personal challenge, but I’ll do my best!  First off, I am completely unfamiliar with the porn world. I have intentionally NEVER watched  even a single conventional pornographic movie. So, I had to look up BBW (Big Beautiful Women). I can only assume that you are speaking of pornographic movies that feature larger sized beautiful women. I must admit, I’m not really seeing the connection between the BBW movies and your disinterest in women on a sexual level. So, unless you’d like to give me more information specific to your personal scenario, all I can do is address this question from a more general perspective.

As for your sex drive…more specifically your disinterest in women on a sexual level…of course the very first thing that comes to my mind is “are you interested in men on a sexual level?” Basically, the first thing I/you need to understand is whether your challenge is because you are confused about your sexual orientation. Also, you didn’t mention whether or not you are in a relationship, or whether you are able to masturbate. Over the years, I have had so many men and women come to me looking for guidance because they are confused about their sexual orientation. So, if that is the case, you are not alone.

In addition, I have seen a lot of men who are only able to feel aroused while masturbating. Generally, people who are confused about their sexual orientation know the answer, but they are struggling with accepting themselves as they are. As for the men who can only get off during masturbation, I find that the challenge is mainly that they like the feeling of control. This is often because they have felt rejected in general, or they don’t want to subject themselves to being rejected by their partners.

When it comes to porn…I have some pretty intense feelings on the subject. I won’t dive into my own personal opinions here, because you asked for my help, not my opinion. I will tell you that I think porn, especially conventional porn, can bring people into a heightened state of sexual stimulation. When the mind becomes accustomed to being aroused by intense, fast moving, fantasies…it becomes increasingly difficult to become aroused by anything else. Of course, this is a generalization. Not every person reacts this way, but research shows that this is a fairly common reaction (getting off on the intensity of porn and then being unable to become aroused by the daily ups and downs of sex).

Without finding out more about your situation, all I can say is this…love yourself for who you are and be careful with the porn. Keep yourself in check to see if you feel that you are being over stimulated and whether or not over stimulation is contributing to your challenge. If you are in a relationship…I cannot advise you one way or another. I know that I would talk with my lover openly, but I have a very healthy relationship with excellent communication. Your situation may be very different. Talking openly with your partner (if you have one) or a close friend, may or may not be possible for you. I am pleased that you were able to reach out and ask for guidance. Sometimes just knowing that someone else cares…and is willing to listen can help people open up and self reflect.

If you would like to elaborate, ask additional questions, or share more information with me so that I can share my thoughts, please comment on this post. I will respond asap! I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more assistance.

From my heart to yours, Joy

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Ruby says:

    Excellent response Joy! I have to say, I think the questioner is NOT alone at all in his dis-interest in sex. Many people I know, both men and women, of all ages, have mentioned this is true for them also. The biggest reason we have noticed, outside of just the normal ‘ebb and flow’ of sexual interest (which by the way, IS REALLY NORMAL) is the fact that our society is inundated with sexual imagery everywhere we go. Most of it is used against us, as a way to sell us something, by playing on our own insecurities. IE: This toothpaste, or that new car will make you sexier, and other such nonsense. It can subconsciously have the effect of creating a negative physical/emotional response to sexual imagery . It can make us dist-trust sex, and sexuality. Sexual imagery and a great deal of the easily accessible porn that is available, doesn’t do much to help us feel truly interested in sex with another human being. The majority also does not represent a truthful depiction of what many of us want, and can again be something we watch, enjoy privately, but end up feeling bad about or measure ourselves against, again bringing us back to feeling inadequate, or insecure.There is some really innovative pron that is being made now by people who are natural exhibitionists and it is just as raunchy as the old manufactured stuff, but it is much more ‘watchable’ because it is happening between people who are truly enjoying themselves….but , again,, too can make you lazy and lonely. But just so everyone knows, NOT being interested in sex at all, for certain time periods in one’s life, is totally acceptable, and not something to fret about. It happens to nearly EVERYONE at some point.

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Thanks Ruby…I appreciate you touching base on this subject, as it is one I am not as familiar with. When Destin and I recently conducted our interview and he asked me if I would be interested in writing the script for an Erotikos film, I was xcited to take a stab at alternative, empowered sexual expression using film as the medium…it was an incredibly liberating process. When I think of what I wrote…in comparison to what is on the market…there is no comparison. I realize that there is a huge movement happening in the porn industry. It seem that people like me are asking for more meaning from “erotic films”. I see a shift and am so pleased.

      As for the lack of sex drive..YES…most people go through at least one period of time in their lives when they have little to no interest in sex, sexual expression, or sexual connection possibly with themselves or others. For me, it was during a period where I had 3 miscarriages in a row… began associating sex and making love with pain and loss. Luckily, because Mountain and I already had such a strong base to work from, we were be to overcome the challenge, but a lot of people end up lost, shut down and feel isolated. I think the bottom line is: you are not alone! From my heart to yours, Joy

  2. NawtySub says:

    Hi Joy

    How can i give my partner multiple orgasms orally?

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Hi Nawty, that is a very loaded question with no easy answer…What immediately comes to mind is that the key to unlocking your lover’s pleasue…is with communication….by reading her body language and having her guide you.

      I have no experience with your lover’s yoni, her approach to sexuality, or her unique sexual turn ons….without speaking with her myself, I cannot guide you on this endeavor.

      As for some specific advice…I recommend a gentle massage (if your lover enjoys massage)…some pampering and then communicating both verbally and non-verbally during oral sex so that you can gain a better understanding of what your lover desires…what pleasures he, etc.

      Some women do not even experience orgasm during oral sex…setting an intention or an expectation could possibly inhibit her pleasure altogether. I recommend simply dropping expectation and giving into her desire in a respectful, loving and sensual manner.

      Good luck! From my heart to yours, Joy

      1. NawtySub says:

        I totally hear where you coming from… i guess we all different. It makes sense..silly question now that i think about it. Thank you anywys.
        Its just my sex life is non existant with her and i have been seeing other people but i thought if maybe i could somehow give you amazing oral pleasure, things may turn around.

        Thanks again and i hope i can ask you many questions, i may become a little annoying 🙂

        Lastly.. wat is a tantric orgasm and can w all exprirnce this?

      2. Tantrachick says:

        Ask away! The only silly question is the one you never bothered to or were too embarassed to ask! Of course, what I share is just mythoughts on the matter…there are always other thoughts and opinions and of course your own intuition…

        What is a “Tantric orgasm”…Although there is no one definition for a Tantric orgasm, for me, it is transcending time, space and my body….lifting into a higher state of being where I lose track of all that exsists except for me, my lover (if he is a part of the equasion) and my pleasure….all the while feeling my heart energy expand…thoughts and brain clutter clear and my body releasing stress….while I melt into a “Tantric trance”…

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