Clarity: Rape, Consensual Sex and The Slut Factor

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BDSM activity
BDSM activity (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just wanted to clarify where I stand on a few issues. My most recent post, which I published earlier today, was written from my past/uneducated/naive in the art of love voice. The teenage me, if you will. I was also more highlighting my home town mentality about “sluts”, which was a constant theme during my youth. I grew up in an incredibly abusive town where domestic violence, date rape and severe bullying as a control technique was rampant. Regardless of how much I love my family, every time I go home for a visit, I feel ill inside. I watch the behavior of my home town community and I feel rage. Every woman and man has the right to choose when, if and how she/he has sex, regardless of their sexual orientation or sexual history. Yes, that young man (the one who rape me) understood what he was doing, however, it is partly the fault of our home town community and the modeling of local adults. Our society’s inability to step up and protect, even when adults in authoritative positions are aware of the abuse…is inexcusable.

For instance, the violent attack (where my ex-bf beat the living daylights out of me and tried to cut my throat with a broken bottle) took place on the corner of Station road (the street where my childhood home is) and the main drag, in the ditch outside the house of our local pasture. He and his wife were in the house and saw the whole thing go down. They didn’t call the police or take any action whatsoever. Their reasoning? They didn’t recognize that I was a local youth. They thought I was from out of town and didn’t want to get involved…they only ended up apologizing to me a few years ago for not taking action or supporting me. They could have easily stopped the whole thing…and prevented a lot pf psychological damage that happened as a result of that brutal attack.

A good friend of mine saw the photos in my rape album recently. She suffered horrific childhood abuse. She is now, however, an empowered woman and an incredible mother who lives in a wonderful, alternative and open-minded community. She said that she thought it was brave of me, but that she did not want anyone in her community to know about her past because there is a “stigma” connected to having experienced childhood abuse! It made me feel sad and angry all at once that this beautiful woman would feel the need to hide a piece of herself….because she might be judged for what happened to her.

I realize that those who harm others…those who abuse others…are at fault. I also feel strongly that, as a culture, we need to stand up more. To speak out more. To take more action to not just protect our children…because that is crisis control…we also need to work on the core of this issue. Prevention IS the best medicine. We must educate as a form of prevention and stand together against those who abuse the men, women and children of our world.

Regardless of how messed up it might sound, I think that staying in the relationship with my rapist did serve me. It helped me dig deep and see the truth of not only that relationship, but the relationships of others and the reality of what we are facing as a society. No, I am not happy that I was a willing (although young and naive) participant in an abusive relationship, but clearly I had some learning to do. The next relationship I immersed myself in was far worse. I had not yet learned what I needed to. I still took people at face value. I trusted wholeheartedly and gave all of myself. This again served me. Not only because my first husband and I had two children, but because I learned how to be healthy. I learned what I DO want from a relationship. The relationship skills I learned through these intensely negative experiences not only helped me become who I am today, but they also helped me learn how to connect deeply with others who are facing or have faced similar abuse. IT was simply a part of my path.

I think that, for some of us, there is a plan. A higher purpose, if you will. I think that my experiences helped me be ready for the next phase of growth in our society. This phase is about teaching greater awareness, providing more open dialogue for both abusers and the people who have suffered abuse. In addition, we must find a way to heal the unhealthy sexual patterns that are rampant in our world.

As I mentioned on a Facebook post, I just read an article about a young woman who signed up for a BDSM “playdate” and was then violated. The “dom” did not respect their previously arranged agreement..he violated that girl, penetrating her against her will, while she was fully open and in the most vulnerable state possible. In this act of violence , betrayal and brutality, he did not even bother to put on a condom..amplifying the potential damage this poor woman suffered. Yes, she was involving herself in a “sex game”. Yes, she was wearing provocative clothing intended to arouse this man. Yes, she was submitting to the orders of this man while tied up and completely at his mercy. Yes, she was an active participant. However, the second their “playdate” over stepped their agreement…the second that man did not respond and respect the safe word that this beautiful young woman screamed out through muffled cries…that man chose to be a rapist and not a dom.

Every person has the right to say NO..STOP…I don’t care if a woman (or man for that matter) is sucking one man’s cock while having various other cocks stuffed in every possible orifice available on his/her body. If, at some point, that man or woman feels a shift within and decides that she or he needs the other participant(s) to stop…they better damn well find the self-control within to STOP! If they do not stop, they have truly lost their humanity and given in to something dark, primal and if you ask me, something pure evil.

I just wanted to make sure that it is clearly understood where I stand on this particular matter. The story I shared: Kind of Heavy: Part of Joy’s Story… was just me talking about what happened to me from the perspective that I had and then the perspective that I have developed, so my overall perspective on rape, date rape and sexual assault may not have been clear… I hope this provides some much need clarity:-) From my heart to yours, Joy

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for further clarifying your stance on this subject. I shared as I think the world needs people like yourself to share your story so we as a society can put an end to this violence. I can understand the need to act as though nothing has happened and put a spin on it so to speak. I was sexually assaulted personally and because I was unconscious at the time apart from a few seconds of imagery I wanted to pretend that it hadn’t affected me. Although you can’t hide from yourself forever and I eventually needed to confront what happened so I could move forward. Thank you for being brave enough to share.

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    1. Tantrachick says:

      🙂 You’re welcome and thank you for asking for clarification, which provided me with an opportunity to more clearly state my thoughts on this serious issue! From my heart to yours, Joy

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  2. Maya says:

    All of this consciousness- rape, abuse…We have all of it within each of us..and as we come to know this, it is coming into the light…and becoming obsolete. This was our experience, and all is shifting and changing. You are so healthy to know the gifts that came from your pain…that is key. Keep writing…get it out, until it is truly out …and complete. It is what made you who you are, beautiful one ~

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    1. Tantrachick says:

      Yes, until it is truly out…very wise. I am healthy and strong..empowered and healthy…but it is important to continue to not only express…but also support others in their own expression and healing. Thank you for your wonderful comments. I checked out your site. I wish we met when I lived in Victoria! I am inspired by your work! From my heat to yours, Joy

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  3. Kat says:

    I truly believe that we as women must protect ourselves as well as our sisters by educating ourselves as to sexual dynamics. In my mini world, I cannot imagine EVER submitting to ANYONE while I was tied or gagged during a sexual experience. Does that mean I don’t trust my man???? I guess it does, and I have been married for years and years to him. I don’t think that a man has the ability at times to get past thinking w/the small head……which could lead to massive abuse and injury, especially if the partner cannot protect herself……our womanly responsibility is to ourselves only……not to any other!!!!

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    1. Tantrachick says:

      Yes, we as women and men must stand together, united. Only then will we have any chance of stopping the horrific abuse that happens to the women, men, girls and boys in our world. As for your comments about the sexual dynamics and submission…I couldn’t agree with you more. You may or may not have read my earlier comments and posts on this topic. Although I FULLY support all consensual adults in participating in healthy sexual expression that feels comfortable for them…submission and BDSM have no place within my relationship. My husband and I have been in a monogamous relationship for almost 13 years and are about to celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary (April 25th). Somehow, there is no place within our relationship for submission and domination. To each their own is my general motto. However, when people begin over stepping boundaries and disrespecting the needs of others…it makes me not only sad, but also furious. It is those people that I want to speak out against…and it is the females and males that are abused that I want to speak up for. Because no one needs to go through the darkness of feeling like they are facing the emotions connected with abuse alone. Yes, I agree, educating ourselves about sexual dynamics is an important part of the process. I realize the title of my book, The Guy’s Guide to Multiple Orgasms sounds light and “conventional”. However, in the book, I explore the challenges that men face and provide valuable techniques that they can use to overcome those challenges…that is part of what I have to offer…a path to sexual and sensual awakening for men and women…It is not a path that is right for every person, but those that are drawn to my approach experience a great deal of success…and when people are sexually satisfied and healthy…they are less likely to be part of the problem.

      Thank you so much for speaking up! From my heart to yours, Joy

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