My childhood, teen years, and early twenties were filled with tragedy, traumatic events and a plethora of resulting intense emotions. During my mid twenties and early thirties, I fell madly in love with life. I managed to harness the power of sensual energy along with a variety of holistic healing modalities to overcome the residual negative energy. It was a process that took a toll on myself and my lover, but in the end, it was well worth the effort.
It was as though I had burned in a fire of sadness and mistrust, like the Phoenix bird and found myself transformed. Before my initial transformation, pleasure was an act. Something I performed in order to believe I was satisfied and of course, to pleasure my partner. It is so easy to pretend to feel pleasure….it is much more challenging to truly feel pleasure. To be pleasure.
For many years, my lover Mountain and I experienced a blissful connection. At no time, in fact, has our connection dulled. However, the daily grind of motherhood, and all of the challenges life threw at me left me feeling spent. My mother’s friend, who happens to be an art therapist, told me that she thought my stress bank was full. That I was feeling down because I had nothing left to give.
I won’t bore you with the depressing details of the ups and downs or the many losses I have suffered over the past couple of years. To do so would force me to relive them and I am moving on, so that would be counter intuitive. What I will share is my recent breakthrough.
I was convalescent for two weeks due to a bout of pneumonia…the pause in my daily life forced me to reflect. While turning my focus inward, I found that the vibrant, sensuous woman I had become was feeling dull and listless. For those of you who have been reading my blog over the past few years, you know that “dull” is not generally a descriptive word used to describe me.
Honestly, looking at my true inner reflection scared the shit out of me. Even my daughter mentioned in passing that, since I stopped offering Intimacy Coaching sessions or leading TantraDance, that I was not the same woman she knew to be her mother. My daughters wise words gave me the incentive I needed to dig deep and transform.
I re-read some of my favorite chapters in Tantric Orgasm for Women…talked openly with Mountain about what I was feeling and chose a course of action. In the past I had experienced such awe-mazing success using orgasm and sexual exploration, that it made sense to at least try to utilize these techniques to re-discover the wild woman within.
What unfolded was profound and earth shatteringly erotic. I will share more later, but life calls! That;s all she wrote…from my heart to yours, Joy