I walked into my bedroom and lit two deep blue candles (represents healing energy). I basked in the beauty of the soft candlelight, while trying to tap into my sensual energy. For a woman who has always had a veracious appetite for sex, it is honestly very scary to fill sexually uninspired. I found myself experiencing feelings related to fear. Then a funny thing happened.
I remembered my favourite scene from the movie “After Earth”. There is a moment int he movie where the main character is speaking with his son about fear. His speech was life altering for me…
“Fear is not
real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. THAT IS NEAR INSANITY Do not misunderstand me danger is very real, but fear is a choice. We are all telling ourselves a story and that day mine changed.” – After Earth
So, as I was about to release my fear through sexual exploration, I heard the words of actor Will Smith echoing in my mind. Before moving forward, I had to identify my fear. My fear was that I would settle into life and allow my sex life, including my self exploration, become dull and uninspired. My mother could be described as passionless, uninspired…frigid even.
My fear? That I was turning into my mother! Don’t get me wrong, I love and deeply respect and honour my mother. That does not mean I want to turn into her 😉 Somehow, simply identifying my fear was freeing in itself. I felt lighter, happier and more deeply rooted by my sensuous energy.
As I later melted into various peaks and valleys of orgasmic energy…I found myself. I hadn’t gone anywhere, I had not ever “lost myself”. I had simply been caught up in the challenge and process of perpetual change. I had focused on other areas of my life that were taking priority.