Slow Down and Breathe

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Dear Joy,

“This is going to sound funny, but I will try to explain: My wife’s G-Spot is located almost at the very opening of her vagina. I can slow down and do my best to excite her, but for her to orgasm she has to rub the head of my penis  right on her G-Spot from the woman on top position which immediately drives me over the top and I ejaculate.

I have tried the breathing techniques for your multi-orgasmic male book but it doesn’t seem to help (or I’m not doing it right). Any thoughts on how I can last longer and give my wife more pleasure? FYI – She gets very uncomfortable is I try to use my hands in foreplay to get her aroused prior to penetration and she also worries that I’m getting over excited or bored (over-excite probably but bore, NEVER). Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.”

Dear Slow Down,

First, I want to give you some gentle reassurance. In no way do I mean to belittle the frustration you may experience, but this is a common challenge face by men of all ages and from all walks of life. In my book, The Guy’s Guide to Multiple Orgasms I cover some techniques that my clients have found effective in dealing with any level of premature ejaculation.

Rather than re-create the wheel, I decided to share some of the exercises in my book…

Excerpt from my book:

“Osho, a highly revered professor of philosophy from the 1960s, became known as a “sex guru” in both the Indian and international press. Although the intention of Osho’s teachings is often debated, I find his writing to be inspirational and beneficial, especially around issues related to sexuality and sexual energy. Sometimes I find that it is necessary to let go of our ego, step away from perception, and just listen to the wisdom shared by others. So, without further ado, here is one of Osho’s statements about sexual energy:

“When sexual energy isn’t flowing as it should, it creates many problems. If the sexual energy is flowing perfectly well then everything hums rightly, everything remains in accord. Then you are simply in tune and there is a kind of equilibrium. Once the sexual energy gets stuck somewhere there are repercussions all over the body….”

It seems to me that your sexual energy may be stuck in the area of your genitals. This means that it is even more important for you to find a way to not only connect with, but also draw your sexual energy throughout your body.

Excerpt from my book: “Here is another basic exercise that may help you connect with your sexual energy. You can choose to complete this exercise clothed or naked:

  • Begin by finding a quiet time and space with no interruptions.
  • Rather than actually stimulating yourself, simply place your hand over your genitals.
  • It’s possible that you may become aroused during this process; remember, there is no right way to do this, so take your time and find what works.
  • If it feels right, bring your other hand to your heart.
  • Now simply take a few mindful breaths.
  • As you breathe in, imagine you are drawing sexual energy throughout your body.
  • As you exhale, imagine that you are releasing any shame, guilt, or blocks held within.
  • Continue taking mindful breaths and imagine connecting with your sexual energy.

Cultivating your sexual energy is vital to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.”

I suggest by beginning with the exercise above…it is often easier to begin experimenting independently during self exploration and masturbation. Including your partner when you are first learning to channel your sexual energy can provide too much stimulation and excitement. Take some time to explore your body and learn how to control your sexual energy…

Except from my book:

“Phase 3: Orgasm
The orgasm phase is the shortest stage of the sex response cycle. It normally lasts for just a few seconds. During this stage, you may experience the following:

  • Your muscles contract involuntarily.
  • Your rate of breathing, blood pressure, and heart rate peak as your intake of oxygen increases.
  • You feel muscle spasms in your feet.
  • All of a sudden, you feel an intense sexual release as you ejaculate.
  • The muscles at the base of your penis begin to contract rhythmically, which results in the ejaculation of semen.
  • Your entire body becomes mildly flushed.”

I realize that the above excerpt is generally common knowledge. However, to connect with and channel your sexual energy, you must know the signs of your approaching orgasm. When you feel yourself tensing your muscles, breathe deeply and draw the energy throughout your body.

After you try these exercises yourself and become more comfortable channeling your sexual energy and drawing out your orgasmic response, you may slowly integrate your wife into your practice. I would love to continue guiding, so please feel free to update me and ask questions as they arise. May you experience bliss!Orgasm

From my heart to yours,

Joy

10 Comments Add yours

  1. Ruby says:

    I appreciate you sharing this bravely written letter! It goes without saying, that control of breath is pivotal for being able to master the timing and control of orgasmic energy. One thing that may also help is for the woman to be very gentle and aware of the physical clues that signal you are reaching the “point of no return” and she could cease stimulating herself on your erection for a few moments and slow her own breathing with yours. This has proved very helpful for many couples who are working on bringing their sexual energies into alignment with one another so that both are able to enjoy not only their own physical/energetic pleasure, but one anothers pleasure and satisfaction as well. Sex is a collaborative exploration of pleasure,and in solving this ‘problem’ you describe is the opportunity to bring the gift of more inter personally connected lovemaking. to you both, if your solution involves both of you!.
    Joy always gives such wonderful insight on these things and I am grateful for her willingness to share so openly, her knowledge!. Best of luck to the author of this letter!

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Thank you so much for your wonderful insight! I always love what you have to say, Ruby! With the deepest gratitude, from my heart to yours, Joy

    2. Tantrachick says:

      I am excited to share that the author of this letter and his wife have been reading the blog together and are inspired to work together to experience a breakthrough! Than you so much for your participation Ruby! you should write posts! I would immediately make you an admin if you were even remotely interested! Love Joy

      1. Ruby says:

        Oh Joy, thank you kindly! I am flattered, and humbled by your kind words and vote of confidence! I would be thrilled to take on such a position, Alas, I am so busy already, I couldn’t promise enough time towards it, to give it the time and the attention it deserves!
        Oh to have more hours in the day!
        In the downtime I do have, I am enjoy reading what you share, and I’m grateful you share it!
        Love,
        Rubyxoxo

  2. den1954 says:

    Perhaps reading this entry of your blog made me think of my own situation. This is a long comment and perhaps I should just send you an email but here goes.
    I’m not alone in life but my wife and I haven’t been sexual for a while now. I’m finding my way back to my single life in sexual exploration of my self. I used to practice being quiet and sitting alone in a place of my apartment naked and letting my hands discover my body exactly as you have described in your book excerpts, wow! I’m actually reading about something I’ve done and enjoyed doing. Joy I enjoy reading your blog for that. But my mind wants to reconnect with my wife as well. Its complicated but today after reading your post I decided to give my self a little time meditating on myself and when I got up I lit up the fireplace and spread a blanked on the floor to sit on. A after cleaning up and getting some tea I went to the blanked and listened to some chakra meditation music and presented my body to my self in explorations. You have mentioned that your not sure what tantric exercise is exactly and if you are actually practicing it will again I feel the same way, wow again! I’m feeling connected in more than one interesting aspect of my sexploration.

    • So the checklist is begin with quiet time and space.
    • Don’t stimulate yourself and keep your genitals covered. ( suppose it help out of site out of mind)
    • You may become aroused but find time and do what works. ( I actually enjoy this feeling my member getting hard and then relaxing back again and then the feeling repeats, its great to experience this feeling over and over again.)
    • Breath as you rest.
    • Draw the sexual energy. ( have a problem actually knowing what this is.)
    ○ I could add that the act of lightly touching my body everywhere from my legs to my head has a tendency to produce some sexual energy but not in an orgasmic way. I return to my genitals and begin to feel orgasmic power in my 1st and second charka. (it’s a good feeling and I let it go as I travel on with my body explorations.)
    • So feeling my body and its nerves and enjoying the occasional orgasmic build up is fantastic. I just did this for a half hour to an hour and held the urge to orgasm several times. I now wonder if after I do this meditation should I go the rest of the way and simulate my self to orgasm? Do you have a recommendation? Maybe I should cum or maybe I should practice feeling my body parts with more pressure even with some oil or lotion and let the explorations become more erotic weaving back and forth with intisfiing my urge to cum and then holding back. (what is this method called if anything.)

    That takes me to step 3 the orgasm.
    I get the actual experience but after your description of what happens you say breath deeply and draw the energy throughout your body. ( am I understanding that the feeling to cum is only felt within the body and not actually produced by touching myself?)

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Wow, thank you so much for sharing your experience..It is so interesting to me that a high percentage of individuals and couples find it challenging to understand or connect with their sexual energy.

      If you think about your body as a source of energy, or as a physical manifestation with energy moving through it, then your sexual energy is simply the energy that is connected to your sexuality, or your sensual nature.

      For me, I think of my sexual energy as the feelings of arousal in my body. I enjoy imagining that my sexual energy is being painted on my body by my desire. As my sensual feelings rise, my body becomes a masterpiece.

      As for slowing down and breathing, it helps relax your muscles, which tends to prolong the orgasmic response. Taking the breath also helps me enter a meditative state so that I am not thinking about the process, I am in the process.

      As for the terminology related to orgasm holding, it is generally referred to as “peaking”. I have a chapter in my book focused on this topics, with diagrams to illustrate the process.

      I also wrote about the desire to ejaculate and whether or not it is healthy to ejaculate after this process. After extensive research for my book, I came to the conclusion (from my point of view) that it is healthy to ejaculate on a regular basis. I based my opinion on health related research and documentation related to the prostate and ejaculation. This is a topic that is highly debated within the world of Tantra and sacred sexuality.

      If questions arise, please ask away! I love the conversation aspect of blogging, it is what keeps me motivated! From my heart to yours, Joy

  3. den1954 says:

    Well thank you for replying so fast. I’ve enjoyed my day very much. I had orgasm and meditation and cooked some soup naked. Wow! The only thing better would be a one on one with someone who can relate! Thanks for bringing Joy to my life Joy!

    1. Tantrachick says:

      You are welcome! As I mentioned, what is the point of blogging if it is simply a one way communication. The only benefit I receive from my effort is to understand how people benefit and to engage in conversation that I hope helps people become more comfortable with their sexuality. 🙂 Joy

      1. den1954 says:

        I love to chat. Thanks for the encouragement.

  4. horns1313 says:

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