Don Jon: The Art of Letting Go


Was sipping a glass of Merlot, wishing my lover was home, feeling kind of lonely last night. Decided to watch a movie. Couldn’t find anything interesting, but finally settled for the movie Don Jon. Like many modern-day movies, the director attempted to draw viewers in with tits and ass. I find that a lot of movies include explicit sex, nudity and related to content that doesn’t necessarily enhance the viewer’s experience, but in this case, the graphic sexual content was warranted because of the focus.

The main character of the movie is a porn addict who struggles to connect during real life sexual interactions. His character was so similar to many of the male clients I have worked with who are obsessed with or even addicted to porn. This aspect of the movie really struck a chord in me. We are a sex obsessed society and the main sexual expression North Americans view is hard-core pornography. This makes me feel truly sad inside.

I have completely banned hard-core porn from my life. It has never interested me and I am in no way drawn to watch it. I know that many people would say that it is because I am a woman. Trust me, while the majority of my clients who admitted to obsession with porn were male, tonnes of women I talk to or work with watch porn. For me, the essence of porn id dick in cunt, cock in mouth, jizz on boobs, etc. It is all very physical. While physical, frantic, in your face sex can be deeply enjoyable, the pornography that is available to the mainstream viewers is not appealing to me. There is something missing. The sensuous, lustful, deeply satisfying sex I experience is not represented in mainstream pornography.

There is an “adult store” in Vancouver called Womyn’s Ware. They cater to female patrons and last time I checked, they did not carry pornographic movies. Why? Because they review every product sold in their store and they were unable to find porn that suited their taste. This speaks volumes to me. Most young men learn how to fuck by watching porn! This is truly scary.

In Don Jon, the main character begins conversing with a slightly older and wiser woman who teaches him about the essence of making love. She teaches him about the art of connection, the art of losing yourself in another person. She also asks him if he ever masturbates without the use of porn to stimulate his senses. In his case, he does not. Each and every time he masturbates (multiple times per day) he uses porn to help him get off.



I was wondering how many Tantrachick readers watch porn, use porn during masturbation, or even just for stimulation during foreplay, so I created a poll, but please also feel free to comment, as I’d love to hear more…

At one time I considered creating sensuous pornographic movies from a more hands on, education through experience style. However, the cost to create a high quality movie and the ability to find authentic individuals to be featured in the film blocked my desire. I would love to be a part of something so potentially enlightening for our society.

Well, life calls. That’s all she wrote. From my heart to yours, Joy

ps: to all of my readers who have so generously contributed to my family’s immigration fund. Namaste. I appreciate you!

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Robin Thorne says:

    I get what your saying. This maybe hard to follow-porn infiltrates my mind. I find myself looking at cute ladies and thinking, I wonder if she would do that. In other words porn blocks a real connection between me and half of humanity Add to this the fact that my wife is totally disabled. She has less than no interest in touching. It has been about 25 years without sex. So what am I to do? I feel very lonely and depressed. Sometimes I climax to porn. I do not expect an answer from you. However, anything you might say is appreciated. I know sensuality is god given therefore incredible. Your article suggested that you might have something useful to tell me Thanks for the effort anyway Robin Thorne post script- sex if really funny. That is something you never see in the hard-core stuff. F Date: Tue, 29 Apr 2014 21:54:08 +0000 To:

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Dear Robin,

      It sounds like you have a completely unique situation. Nothing I say ever applies to everyone. In your situation, it is possible that finding sensuous and respectful pornographic material to pleasure yourself to is a good option. If you and your wife are committed and in a monogamous relationship, then it seems like you are making a caring choice to stay within the boundaries of your relationship. I admire that in you! If you have additional questions, please ask away! From my heart to yours, Joy

  2. Davina says:

    “Most young men learn how to fuck by watching porn! This is truly scary.”
    This indeed is scary, when a guy is only able to stimulate himself by watching porn there is something wrong. Young people should learn how to please each other and themselves by healthy curiosity in their own and the others body and mind. It is almost unavoidable for young people to see porn and when it stimulates their fantasy and curiosity that would be okay but in most cases porn indeed only teaches men how to satisfy their own lust, without respect for the needs of their partner and proper foreplay. It turns them into bad lovers.

    Is this maybe also why many young girls prefer to “play” with their girlfriends instead of “that” boy that only wants bj’s and refuses to go down on her?

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Dear Davina,

      Very well spoken, thank you for your contribution! Yes, a lot of young wome find that sexual exploration with other women is not only safer, it is also more satisfying. It is sad indeed. There are so many wonderful possibilites between lovers, but if one or both partners have unrealistic expectations, the experience can be a serious turn off. We still have a long way to go in my humble opinion. From my heart to yours, Joy

  3. Ray H says:

    I really liked the movie Don Jon! I think it had a very important message both about how porn affects men but also about how cheesy Hollywood romances affect women. Wasn’t a perfect movie; the stuff about how it was so easy for him to pick up one-night stands didn’t seem realistic to me but movies are always like that. Overall, great job Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

    Well I am a male and I will admit to watching certain adult movies. I like to think it isn’t so bad, there are the times I focus on my girlfriend and there are the times I am into such fantasy alone. Although hardcore seems to influence the culture somewhat, it’s hard to say if it’s only being ‘free market’ and giving men what they want. There are a lot of different genres out there catering to different tastes. And porn will never go away, it’s a natural thing humans are going to be into and no laws are going to stop it, and people have the right to free speech expression.

    I suppose the only way to deal with the negative aspects to men watching bad sex scenes is to increase sexual education and let men learn a deeper sexuality…

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Well spoken, thank you for sharing! Everything in moderation applies to this topic as well. For me, it is the under current and darker side of pornography that doesn’t work for me, but I do not judge what others do as long as they are not causing harm to another. If you like it, it’s good 🙂

      I agree that the movie magic moments create unrealistic expectations and the hard core fucking also creates unrealistic expectations…and can be a block to experieencing the deeper connection available.

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