Emotions and Sex


The past couple days have been filled with loving, soul fulfilling sex. This afternoon I checked my phone and received this text from my lover: “You rock my soul. Thank you for loving me. I could live 1000 lifetimes, but I will be standing somewhere waiting for you to come along and make my life whole.”

Some of you probably know that I literally picked Mountain up on the side of the road while he was waiting…hitchhiking. He always says that that ride turned into the “ride of his lifetime.” I am sure you all know that intimacy attracts intimacy. When you make love, you feel closer to your lover and are more likely to make love again.

Today I had one of my random meetings with a beautiful woman who is in a nearly sexless marriage. Not sure how it happened, but within moments of meeting her (she is not a client) she shared her issues with me. I heard it from her and I hear it from so many of my clients…that their marriage is fulfilling in almost every way, except in the bedroom.

When you see that your lover is attracted to you and responsive to your sexual needs, it is definitely easier to feel loved. Even if your lover doesn’t have the same level of libido, or the same way of sexually expressing themselves, it does not mean that they are not in love with you.

Sex, emotions, intimacy, and sensuality are complex. A big part of what I teach people to bring to the bedroom is compassionate communication. If you are able to open the lines of communication and talk to your partner about how you feel…there is a chance that they will find it in their heart to be more responsive to your needs.

The example I gave today of the loving text I received from Mountain is the type of communication I recommend. Finding small ways to show your appreciation is a huge part of having a healthy relationship. I said in an email to one of my clients/students that “this week has kicked my ass.”

It truly has. My step daughter is facing some desperately challenging times and is finding being a young, single mother very challenging. Between that and my youngest daughter getting violently ill, the puppy going through a chewing stage, and the many, many other challenges I have faced this week, it is brilliant that Mountain and I found the time to make love.

Making love, sex, and intimacy a priority is even more important when life feels intense. Mountain is working full-time and going to school full-time. Sometimes his new job sends him away to train for a couple of days, a couple of weeks, or even longer. It has been a huge adjustment for me. Sometimes I feel like a single parent juggling the needs and lives of 7 kids.

Much of the daily tasks and the issues with the kids rests on me. Receiving his beautiful words today put wind in my sails. It is incredible how much a few words and a sincerely loving sentiment can transform your emotional state of mind. I think it is truly important to remember that emotional connection leads to more fulfilling sex. Appreciate your lover. Appreciate yourself. Please remember…your words, whether positive, negative, judgmental, or accepting hold power.

From my heart to yours,


couple on trolltunga in norway

13 Comments Add yours

  1. Kevin says:

    Joy – the last sentence is so very true, and so profoundly simple. Just an unexpected love comment every now and then goes so far!

    1. Tantrachick says:

      You are so right Kevin 💜

  2. highlander05 says:

    Hi Joy, that was a beautiful post. It must be such a joy to have such a supportive and loving man in your life. When you complimented me a couple of days back it made me realise that not having been in a serious relationship for the past couple of years that I miss the positive encouragement from that special somebody. I think that also ties in with your post from the 18th about unconditional love. I think that I have forgotten that feeling of being unconditionally love by someone. I am hard on myself and so loving myself unconditionally does not come easy to me. Namaste, Highlander

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Thank you Highlander. I couldn’t agree more. It is all interconnected and it is a long, but beautiful path to self love and total unconditional love. Namaste, Joy

  3. jeffstroud says:

    Wow! Wow! Wow!
    I love this block! It is open and honest. The examples of communication you have shared are amazing beautiful! You could find all the fault in your week yet what you have found and express is the beauty Love expressed allows!

    I am Love,


    1. Tantrachick says:

      You are love, Jeff. I have been so happy that you are again finding a space to feel at home. I also love your connection with your dog and all of your beautiful expressions through both your sharing and your photographs. I am pleased to hear from you and am glad our paths have crossed again. With love, xoxo Joy

  4. The problem, in my opinion, and this showed me my clients psychoanalysis many times, in the days when I used to devote myself, when the emotional connection is blocked by the manipulative behavior of one of them, which often becomes pathological and although it may take many years of good sex without that being an obstacle, then the victim, sometime lose interest because the bottom is still a profound lack of loving emotional connection caused by the handler, which keeps hidden disease management ..
    Many handlers use emotional blackmail as a way to hold and manipulate the other and in these cases the possibility of a true emotional connection is lost from love.

  5. obriend1936 says:

    Joy, Hope you and your tribe are doing well.

    I miss your posts. Last one I saw was Thursday. Namaste, Dan

    Daniel W. O’Brien 504 Green Tree Road Kohler, WI 53044 phone: 847.846.7301 cell e-mail: danryanob@aol.com

    1. Tantrachick says:

      Thanks for kicking my butt. It worked 🙂 New post awaits you…from my heart to yours, Joy

  6. Tantrachick says:

    Hi Dan,

    I was just thinking I needed to write…it’s been a busy weekend. Hope you had a lovely weekend. I will see if I can muster something up today…possibly an audio recording. That is what I am toying with at the moment…

    From my heart to yours,


  7. Ruby says:

    Joy, I am so glad you brought this topic up with such grace ! I just was reading this article which you and your readers might find interesting. Here is the link; “To understand the vagina properly is to realize that it is not only coextensive with the female brain, but is also, essentially, part of the female soul.” http://www.brainpickings.org/2013/09/23/naomi-wolf-vagina/

    1. Tantrachick says:

      I still plan on elaborating on my reaction to your posting, but haven’t found the time yet 🙂 Joy

  8. Tantrachick says:

    Hi Ruby, thank you for your compliment and for sharing such an informative article! From my heart to yours, Joy

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