Dan brought up an excellent point this morning. Sometimes I forget how long I have been on this path and how much knowledge I have gained during the process…It happens to me during sessions with new clients where I begin to speak about a topic that to me is second nature, but to them is completely foreign and unknown. When this happens (which is very often) I take a deep breath and try to understand where they are on their path of self discovery, sensual exploration, and transformation.
I call this “getting my road map”. I see each journey with a student/client as a journey within. My intention is to guide them within so that they may discover all there is to know about themselves not only as a sexual being, but as an individual as well. When I say “road map” I am speaking about their past, present, and desired future. Their childhood experiences, adolescent, and adult experiences…not just sexual, but also their relationships and their unique belief system (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Once I have a clear “map”, I decide what path we will take to achieve their desired outcome.
For me, the path I embarked upon began at “victim”. During my lifetime, I have experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. In response to the onslaught of abuse, I shut down in many areas of my life and became emotionally void. I am not sure I have ever used that phrase before, but that is what came to mind; emotionally void. I was damaged, possibly even broken. My spirit was tainted with words that penetrated my very spirit. Harmful, hurtful words that wreaked havoc in my mind.
When I would attempt to accomplish something, I would feel fearful and inadequate, so I would shut down and self sabotage. As I became aware of my patterns, and my reaction to the various traumas I experienced, I was able to see how the damage was continuing. It hadn’t stopped. I remember one day sitting on a swing in a playground pregnant, reading a book on victim mentality while watching my younger two kids play. I had already lost one of the twins I was carrying and as I read the book, I felt sick.
I was too far along for my illness to be morning sickness, it was more of a “soul sickness” if you understand what I mean by that. Mountain walked up to me and said “I am doing this because I love you and because I want out baby to have a chance.” He took the book from me and placed it in the nearby garbage time. He asked that I wait until our child was born to continue my healing path. I agreed to set my “emotional healing work” aside until our baby was born. Beyond having “disappearing twin syndrome” where you miscarry one twin, but manage to keep the other and maintain a viable pregnancy, I experienced bleeding, severe illness, and so it was important that I not put any more emotional stress on myself.
When Cedar was born, I then had a newborn, 2-year-old and a 3 and a half-year old. There was not much time for self discovery and emotional healing. During my stage of emotional healing, a few years later, I began studying various female deities, So much of our world is shaped by male representations. We hear about Zeus, TItan, Christ, Buddha, and of course God. There are of course references to powerful female figures as well, but there is definitely an imbalance.
So when I heard the term Goddess…and I learned the Goddess Chant, I was excited to find that there were also female representations. I have given birth to 2 girls and 2 boys, my husband had a girl and a boy and then I have a step daughter from my first marriage who is still a part of my life. We have 3 girls and 3 boys who live in Iowa and my step daughter lives in Ontario. What this means is that all that I do, I attempt to be conscientious of not being “gender biased”. So I also learned the God chant and studied various Gods and various Goddesses.
At some point, I stopped thinking about Goddess as a female deity, or a supernatural being. However, I found that the word Goddess resonated with my spirit and my feminine soul. When I say the word Goddess, I am speaking of my female nature. My empowered being within who is a deeply sensuous being. When I say Sex Goddess, I am speaking to the core of my wheel of life. When I think of the wheel of life
I see sexuality at the core of all areas of life. Sex is how we connect, sex is how we create life, sex is human nature. Without sex we would not be, so I see it as a very central aspect of the human experience. I see it in fact as the CORE of the human experience.
For some people, they express their sexuality, sexual nature, or sensuality through art, creativity, or even channel it into their life’s work. For others, like myself, sexual expression means to be deeply and completely sexually open to ONE sexual partner. I am a truly partner oriented woman. In fact, that is something about me that I honor. I am a monogamous woman and in fact, though I did some sexual experimenting outside of a partnership during my teens, since I turned 18 and became an “adult” I have only had sex with my first husband (married very young, divorced and then he passed away in 2002) and my current husband, lover, soul mate and best friend, Mountain.
Mountain and I enjoy a deeply satisfying sexual connection. The intention of my work in fact, is to help others channel their sexual or life force energy into another area of their lives (if that is their desire), learn how to be their own lover and move beyond simple self pleasuring into a more pleasurable experience with themselves, or dive into the ocean of pleasure with their own partner. I never offer myself as a “partner” in my sessions beyond emotional, spiritual, and energetic support.
Speaking of my partner, he’s awake and has the day off… coffee time for me, then a session at 10 am and off for a weekend of bliss. I will have to expand upon this topic in a series of blog posts because it is central to my teachings and life. From my heart to yours, Joy