Today I participated in a live body painting event at the 80/35 Music Festival in Des Moines. It wasn’t planned, it just happened. As I was sitting on the platform feeling the cool paint trickle down my scantily clad body (booty shorts was all I was wearing) I had a small epiphany. The message was simple…stop running from yourself! Embrace your uniqueness and let go of the fear that holds you back!
To give you a bit of history; this year marked the fifth anniversary of my blog! During those years, so much has happened in my life. I originally started this blog as an online journal to document and express my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Once I realized that people were reading my most intimate thoughts, I felt vulnerable. I unpublished my blog in a momentary panic. I have done that many times over the past five years. Each time I erase the blog, I receive hundreds of emails and messages inspiring me to be brave and keep expressing.
My sister asked me what happens in my mind when I crash the blog…all I could come up with is one word. FEAR. I feel fear for a variety of reasons. I fear being vulnerable. Being transparent. Being bold. Blunt. Real. Uninhibited. Exposed. In my darkest moment, I allow myself to give in to my fear of being misunderstood and judged. I have received a few judgments over the years. Nothing major. Mainly i receive judgments from people who are afraid of their own sexuality and see my freedom of expression as something dark. Something inappropriate. Something a woman should not talk about…possibly even something a woman should not feel. The word taboo comes to mind.
Too many women compartmentalize their sexuality. They put it in a box marked “bedroom”. I think a lot of women are afraid of their own sexuality. This makes me sad. As for myself, I am a deeply empowered woman…because I refuse to separate myself from my sexuality…because I am willing to openly discuss my sexuality, I have a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable. Especially if they are dealing with a sexual issue, or struggling to understand their sexuality.
On the flip side of the coin, I inspire people tap into something deeper. By holding up a mirror to their sexuality, I am able to help people dig deep and transform their own life, feelings, thoughts, and yes, their sexuality. When you unleash your inner sexual energy; when you are in touch with yourself on all levels, including your inner sexual being…you are truly free! When you take it one step further and let go of what society thinks about you and turn your focus inwards…freedom opens your mind, body, spirit and heart!
The saying “The only way out is through.” is my new mantra. It is my affirmation for myself. The only way for me to help transform the way our society expresses sexuality is to find my way out of self loathing and judgment. I don’t usually expose my darkness on this blog. I tend to keep things cheery and light. I tend to focus on the positives. The truth of the matter is… just like anyone else, I experience moments of self loathing.
I have a gift. I have an inner light that shines brightly. I have a voice. I am blunt, bold, and beautiful. I am a sexually empowered woman and I often find myself wishing I could be like everyone else. I sometimes wish I was given a different gift. My gift is the gift of being able to empower others to transform and unleash their sexual energy. I embrace my gift! I will no longer wish I was something or someone else. I will learn to cherish my gift.
I will also not put my gift…my self expression…my inner thoughts…into a box. I will not conform to what society tells me a woman is or what she should be, or how she should behave. Don’t you know well behaved women rarely make history? I will not conform to what society tells me a woman should or should not do. If I want to strip down and have an empowered artist pour paint that flows across my body like a river, I will dammit! I will not dim my light to make the world feel more comfortable. When you dim your light so that someone else can shine, the world gets darker.
Some words of inspiration:
Our Deepest Fear
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I will rise to my highest purpose in life and I wish the same for you. May your light shine so brightly that those around you feel the warmth of your inner glow! That’s all she wrote. From my heart to yours, Joy
ps: photos from today’s impromptu body painting event to come!