Although it has been more difficult to find my groove here in the Midwest, I still work with women, couples, and I regularly share my thoughts about intimacy with people from around the world. One of the biggest challenges facing couples in long term relationships is keeping their sex lives active enough, engaging enough and pleasurable enough to satisfy the sexual needs of both partners.
Considering my recent 30 day intimacy challenge flopped (publicly I might add) I imagine it is obvious that even within my marriage, there are times when sex gets intentionally or accidentally put on the side burner. I understand that having sex 1-3 times per week and experiencing additional foreplay another 1-2 times per week is not something to complain about, so I am not saying we have it bad…it’s just not what we’re used to. I work with couples in sexless marriages, so I know that what we have is more than a lot of people.
However, I am a woman with needs. I have a vivacious appetite for sex, intimacy and orgasms. I like to get off daily; at least once…and although I enjoy a solo pleasure session, I prefer to share pleasure with my lifelong lover. We have been together almost 2 decades and in April, we will celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary. We are beating the odds, partially because we work at it…
I have moments where I question my sexual needs. I think to myself “Woman, you turned forty this year, is it really necessary to scream out in pleasure 1-3 times per day?” Hell YES! That is the answer I will continue to respond with. I am a woman and I LOVE SEX! This is something I have grown to embrace about myself and it is certainly one of the things my husband loves about me. Thank the powers that be, I am also skilled at both giving and receiving pleasure.
Why is it that women who enjoy sex, enjoy giving blow jobs, love having their pussies licked and like to play with sex toys and get adventurous in the bedroom are not celebrated? Most straight men say they want more intimacy…but what if your female lover, wife, or significant other demanded sex when you were tired? What if she was not satisfied with a missionary romp that lasted 10-15 minutes? What if satisfying your woman took hours…and she wanted you practically daily? Would you still want her to express her needs? I truly hope so.
Generally speaking, woman by nature are pleasers. We want to satisfy our partners. For many women that means faking an orgasm when they feel their man is close to the edge. In my past relationships, I definitely faked orgasms (all of them). In my current relationship we have a level of trust, understanding, and open communication that eliminates faking an orgasm as a need or a possibility.
This weekend was a sexual breakthrough for us. We have been communicating about our love life and are actively working to find ways to keep both of us feeling sexually satisfied. Last night we had an incredible evening focused entirely on intimacy, connection and pleasure. It was a breath of fresh air that left me floating on a cloud of bliss.
We are now planning a one week lovemaking holiday. We acknowledge that, regardless of the stress, exhaustion and challenges of raising a gaggle of teens and one pre-teen, we need sex. We need pleasure. We need to feel cherished.
It was even suggested to me by more than one person that I should take on another lover. Really? I do not want another lover. I want my lover, my soul mate. After nearly 2 decades of deep, loving satisfaction, just because my man is working his damn ass off to provide for our large family, I should fuck someone else to meet my needs? No fucking way!
I am in love with my man. He is my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my husband, the father of our many children and I will continue to stay committed and dedicated to our marriage. Life ebbs and flows. If left unattended, it is easy to fall into a sexless marriage and without passion, intimacy and romance, most marriages die. That is not the case with us.
We have had a few times in our marriage where things were tense and we were lacking the level of intimacy we both crave. When we had a series of miscarriages, my mind began to associate sex with loss. Then our daughter was born, we had one more accidental miscarriage while my hubby was waiting to get his vasectomy…it was awful.
We got through it. We are a strong, vibrant, loving couple and I imagine I will be sharing stories of our love, and yes, our sex life…well into our senior years. I support couples who have accepted that sex will no longer be part of their marriage. I support couples who choose to have open marriages. I support couples who are into polyamory…If you like it, it’s good.
For me, at this stage in my life and this stage in my marriage, I love the connection that we have. I am writing (in my mind) a follow up post. I want to share some of my inner approaches to intimacy. Not only so you can feel what I feel, but because I know there are couples who are struggling to regain what they once had. Sometimes it is not possible to do so…instead you must forge a new path…(floggers anyone? lol).
From my heart to yours,