Porn Addiction

on

Hey lovelies,

Yesterday one of my clients who I have been working with over the past year or so mentioned an untapped area of my practice. He thought I should focus on assisting people with porn addiction to transform their loving energy into their actual own life.

I guess I don’t talk about this subject often, probably because I have some very strong opinions on the matter. I have literally NEVER in my entire life watched a pornographic movie. Not that I haven’t seen a hot and heavy scene in a movie, but I have intentionally boycotted pornography.

My reasoning is simple; I don’t like it. I don’t like the idea of it and although I understand that tons of the top female actresses who perform in pornographic movies enjoy their work, I also know that a high percentage of women do not and developing a healthy exit strategy is difficult at best.

If there is a 1% chance that someone in a porno is not there by choice or a that the participants may develop a health issue related to their participation in this type of film, I simply cannot feel positive about making the choice to support the industry.

I have been hoping for a more “fair trade” and socially responsible industry to be developed and I definitely see some positive shifts. The thing that I find unhealthy is that the focus of so much of the pornographic content on the internet sexualizes young women.

My oldest daughter is 19 years old…she is in the age range of girls that are targeted in this industry. There is a documentary on Netflix called Hot Girls Wanted that opens the lines of communication and highlights some of the darker aspects of the industry, especially related to aspiring amateur porn stars.

There are numerous companies specifically targeting young girls who feel stuck in small rural American towns. They entice these girls, make the work sound glamorous and bring them to large city centers where they will fuck, suck, and swallow in front of the camera for a week or so before being disposed of.

Of course, a tiny percentage of these girls become porn stars, but the level of damage done to the thousands and possibly millions of little girls is unacceptable. Honestly, I try my best not to judge, but I am only human. When a man or woman tells me that they watch mainstream porn, I wish they would educate themselves about their choice from an ethical perspective.

I know I seem like a fairly laid back bohemian woman. Let me tell you this…if a porn producer enticed my 19-year-old daughter into coming to LA for a week and then sent her home damaged and broken He/She would end up regretting ever getting into the industry. At some point, a pissed off mama bear is going to create positive change in the industry through legal channels, but until then, the core ethics of the porn industry are not in line with my core ethics.

As for the damaging effects of pornography on marriages, the risks are real. Men’s obsession with Internet porn is affecting their libidos, and making it increasingly challenging for real women to satisfy them.

That’s the thesis of a fascinating feature in a recent issue of New York magazine. In the article, writer Davy Rothbart describes his own experience of having to fake an orgasm with a woman because his overuse of porn had made reaching climax during intercourse nearly impossible.

I have been working with both men and women who are addicted to pornography. From my personal observations, on an emotional level, pornography use makes authentic, satisfying sexual connection much more challenging, which interferes with intimacy and romantic connections.

I have also observed that there is a direct correlation between erectile dysfunction and porn use. I am not alone in this line of thinking. Dr. Abraham Morgentaler, Director of Men’s Health Boston and Clinical Professor of Urology at Harvard Medical School states, “It’s hard to know exactly how many young men are suffering from porn-induced ED. But it’s clear that this is a new phenomenon, and it’s not rare.”

If you are suffering from porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED), the problem is not in your penis – it’s in your brain. I have helped hundreds of men overcome erectile dysfunction using a method I created which I call EcstaticTrance™. The process I use basically harnesses the power of your subconscious mind, your arousal and your sexual energy to rewire the connection between your brain and your penis.

I realize that pornography is a very personal topic. My intention is not to shame those of you who choose to watch pornography. I do hope that you will conduct your own research and possibly even watch the documentary Hot Girls Wanted so that you can make an informed, conscientious decision that is in line with your ethics.

From my heart to yours,

Joy Nelson,

FEARLESS WITH JOY

PS: This image illustrates how a man’s penis can potentially become disconnected because of pornography use.

maxresdefault

 

 

 

14 Comments Add yours

  1. Private Account says:

    Hi Joy: I received a massage from you in Victoria a few years ago.

    I agree with your views on pornography. I also don’t watch it.

    Recently I have had a problem getting or keeping an erection. I am not in a loving relationship so it is just casual sex which is part of the problem. I just turned 68 but I refuse to blame this on age. I have practiced tantric masturbation in the past and it had a very positive impact of my sexual pleasure. Like so many things in life (e.g. exercise program) when you let something lapse it is difficult to get back into it. I am now trying to do that.

    I tell you this because you mentioned your method EcstaticTrance™.which sounds interesting. Is this something you share generally or is it exclusive for your clients?

    Thanks for sharing your ongoing explorative journey of your life! Respectfully, Gary

    1. Joy says:

      Hi Gary, I worked with at least 10 men named Gary in Victoria, so I’m not positive I know which Gary you are, but I think I do. Lovely to hear from you!

      I do not see a direct link between age and erection issues unless there is a specific physiological issue causing the issue.

      EcstaticTrance™. is something I offer over the phone to men and women from across the globe.

      I appreciate you reaching out. It would be wonderful to work with you again…my site: http://www.fearlesswithjoy.com has more info, but you can also just email me directly: joy@tantrachick.com or live@fearlesswithjoy.com either works.

      I would love to help you regain your virility.

      From my heart to yours,

      Joy

  2. obriend1936 says:

    Hi Joy,
    Thank you for this articulate commentary on the important topic of porn addiction. While I agree with the general tenor of your remarks, I would also like to see you and others focus on what leads men (or women) to porn addiction.

    In spite of the “sexual revolution” and all the sexual freedom that has developed in the US, sexual repression is still alive and well. For example, very young boys and girls are often made to feel guilty if they are “caught” masturbating. This and other punishing behaviors throughout our youth, are the genesis of sexual repression.

    A more enlightened parenting approach would lead young girls and boys to develop a healthy attitude toward their sexuality and would lay the groundwork for a life of delightful sexual enjoyment. Sex, along with the enjoyment of food, is one of the greatest gifts a human is born with. Sexual pleasure should rank right up there with eating as one of life’s greatest joys.

    The guilt/shaming approach leaves young folks feeling at least awkward about sex, if not downright fearful. Girls are often left being afraid of any sexual interaction and boys, in turn, boys are often left feeling awkward if not rejected. Boys who are routinely left feeling awkward or rejected will logically turn to some more comfortable outlet for sexual satisfaction. Enter pornography.

    As I am sure you know, Joy, Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross teach adult women how to enjoy masturbation. While it is sad that their “students” didn’t learn that as infants, it is wonderful that they are filling in the gap. We need more Betty’s and Carlin’s for women and for men to provide this adult service until it is no longer needed.

    In the Judaeo/Christian tradition, the first and second purposes of marriage are the fostering of mutual love and the allaying of concupiscence, the third is the procreation of children. As a society, we need to stop putting all the focus on number three. Let’s help our young folks enjoy courtship and marriage to the max, by guiding them in the development of healthy sexual attitudes. The porn industry will suffer when we do this, but the wider society will go through life with smiles on their faces.
    Namaste,
    Dan

    1. Joy says:

      Hi Dan,

      I couldn’t agree more with your expression. Yes, I have attended a workshop with Betty (not one she was teaching). I am very familiar with her work.

      As a parent I have raised my children with this mindset. My oldest is (not my step children, but the oldest of the children I raised) is 19 and my youngest is 11, so I am watching it all play out now… I don;t speak about my kids often, not because I wouldn’t love too, but because I must respect their privacy.

      My children are all aware of the work I do and they support me. Their friends think it is “cool” and in moments where their friends find themselves in a room with me when no one else is present, they begin asking me questions that they likely feel they are unable to ask anyone else.

      What you expressed is precisely why I continue to forge ahead in my work despite the challenges.

      I am partially wanting to open the discussion for alternatives to pornography.

      I am experiencing the difference in cultures between the West Coast of Canada and the Midwest of Iowa and I can tell you without holding back…a conservative community that does not embrace sexual expression within a loving union feeds dysfunction.

      I will keep forging ahead with bravery.

      From my heart to yours,

      Joy

      1. obriend1936 says:

        Joy,
        I’m on the run but just want to say how much I appreciate your response. Also, I can certainly empathize with your cultural challenges living in the Midwest.
        More later,
        Dan

      2. obriend1936 says:

        Good Sunday morning Joy,
        It is good to learn that you are “there for” your daughters’ friends. Your kids must be very proud of you.

        Joy, the issue we are dialoguing about obviously goes much deeper than mere sexuality. A major driver that makes your work or the work of parents in general more difficult is the economy, specifically consumerism. There are vested economic interests that do not wish to see children develop as well balanced individuals, capable of wise consumption choices, or social choices (dating, pre-marital sex or not, etc.). Not so well balanced folks make better consumers; when Madison Avenue rings the bell, they come running like Pavlovian dogs.

        Another main driver is parenting style. In her brilliant book “Promiscuities” Naomi Wolf speaks of the mixed messages parents deliver to their young daughters. For example, parents often enable, or even encourage their daughters’ wearing of seductive clothing, then they criticize them for looking like “sluts.” How confusing is that?

        As you well know, the markets for teen age attire, beauty treatments, and let’s not forget pornography, are huge. Those making profits in these areas do not care about your daughters’ growth as well balanced, free-chosing, mature individuals, they only care about making money. Many well-respected corporations are participating in this amoral or immoral greed. I read recently, for example, that such corporations as AT&T make huge profits from pornography sold in hotels. I’m sure that most shareholders are unaware of this. It is indeed hard to find a major corporation that still put ethics ahead of greed.

        Summing up, there is an enormous need for consciousness raising among parents, teachers and others who help mold the character of young people. Awareness of the conflict between their goals for children and the aims of corporate America, for example. We must also challenge our mainline and other religious institutions to get beyond Old Testament thinking that places too much emphasis on guilt, shame and punishment. They need to help parents lift their children up; to realize their maximum potential; not to put them down.

        Joy, once again I applaud you for continuing to do your important work, inspite of the many challenges you face. Thank you!
        Namaste,
        Dan

      3. Joy says:

        Dan,

        It took me a couple days to contemplate this. I am hanging with my lovely 11 year old daughter, sipping raspberry zinger tea as we get ready for bed.

        I am beginning to focus on sharing some of my more controversial opinions, including my thoughts about pornography.

        I mainly avid talking about my parenting style and my children to respect their privacy. Although my kids support my work, I don’t want to share more than they feel comfortable with.

        As I wrote the words above, my 19-year-old daughter walked by. I mentioned that I was considering writing about my parenting philosophies, but wanted to respect her privacy.

        She responded in a very “teen way.” She said “I don’t care.” I asked again, you don;t care if I share aspects of your life to illustrate my point of view on my blog. “Mom, I literally don’t care. It;s all good. Be you.” Lol

        I will expand on this topic in a follow up blog post, but at the moment, tea with my youngest daughter is a priority.

        Thank you for your amazing and inspiring input as always Dan!

        From my heart to yours,

        Namaste,

        Joy

      4. Thank you Joy,
        Your response is much appreciated. I like your daughter’s reactions. One of mine would be fine. The other would say “Oh Dad!”
        Best, Dan

  3. jerrytyner says:

    Joy,
    This is a very timely post. Being a marriage and family therapist (intern currently) here in California, and working for a church sponsored counseling center, I have dealt with many men who are addicted to porn. I have been lucky to have some success. I recently took a training class called Mindfulness Habit by Craig Perra. His program has been a very good addition to other tools I use to help men with this problem.
    I also strongly agree with you about porn induced ED. There is a study (made into a book you can get on Amazon) called (A Billion Wicked Thoughts” that has a very telling scene. While they were doing interviews at a fraternity one of the young men came down to the common area and asked if anyone had any porn. They told him there were a lot of magazines on the 4th floor. The young man replied that pictures did not do it, he needed videos.
    One thing that has also been learned, and why pornography addiction is so insidious and destructive to relationships and marriage, is that it is a progressive addiction. It goes from pictures of naked women to videos (naked women and men having sex), to hard core porn (BDSM, fetish, violent rap type, etc.) to going to strip clubs to prostitutes, fetish clubs (BDSM dungeons), etc. Most relationships and marriages do not survive because of all of the strange ideas that people come to think is “normal sexual relationships” when in reality they are totally fake and fantasized (and not in a good way).
    Keep fighting the fight, Joy. I would very much be interested in learning more about EcstaticTrance™. I do not curerently do counseling about sexual dysfunction, but that is one of my ultimate goals. I want to help people heal in all areas of their lives.
    Thanks for all you do.
    Namaste,
    Jerry

    1. Joy says:

      Hi Jerry,

      Fantastic and well spoken, thank you for sharing. Awe, you are welcome. Thanks for the love as well!

      I have been working with sexuality in all it’s beauty, chaos and dysfunction for some time now. This particular challenge keeps coming up time and time again.

      I would love to hear more about your work. If you are ever interested in writing a guest post, I would be truly honoured!

      From my heart to yours,

      Joy

  4. RAHUL. S.L says:

    Yes you are right

  5. Bare Beach Bum (@BareBeachBum) says:

    Joy:

    I agree with your conclusion about porn addiction but I would like to add a slightly different perspective on the beginning of your article. Like anything in life, too much of a good thing ends but being bad for you.

    Personally I have nothing against porn and the people that watch it but it is entertainment and not a replacement for sex. It is when men and women use it as a replacement for sex where issues arise. I have heard of situations where ED has crept in because of a husband watching too much porn. I have seen situations where women have wanted/needed more and more stimulation through different sexual fetishes because of the porn that she has watched. Everything has to be done in moderation is my point. There IS no substitute to the direct interaction between people during sex.

    I have a different perspective on the porn industry. Your 1% comment can apply to the traditional entertainment industry as well including Disney. I contend that Hollywood and Disney deceive more girls into believing that they can be stars than the porn biz. Do you support Hollywood even though they break many more girls’ dreams? Like any business or industry there are your sleazebags and porn probably has more predators and sleazebags than Hollywood or other industries.

    I have known a few performers in my day and many have a healthy attitude towards the industry and why they are doing it. There are those in it for the wrong reasons as well. It is easy to get caught up in the dark side of it. The good thing is that the business is dramatically evolving in a direction favoring the performers and away from the opportunitists.

    I venture to say that if your daughter wanted to get into the biz that she’d have the proper perspective and momma bear would have a serious talk about it too. There are ways to navigate the business without getting stuck on the dark side or with an addiction.

    I’m not a big porn watcher myself and I have probably viewed only a few videos all the way through, but I have nothing against it as an entertainment medium. There are decent adult entertainment productions that don’t objectify or degrade the performers. Productions from Erika Lust or Jackie St. James are just a couple of people that make adult entertainment that is not all about just the slam bang. 95% of most of the commercial adult entertainment is crap, but that is the same way that I feel about mainstream entertainment. Just look for the 5% that does not deserved to be called porn.

    1. Joy says:

      I will start with what struck a chord most with me. If my own daughter or any of the young girls or boys in my life were to decide to be involved with the industry, I agree, they would likely feel comfortable talking with me about their decision and therefore would get support that a lot of young men and women do not receive when they get into the industry.

      As for the Hollywood comparison, I agree to an extent, but the damage that is done to those who participate in the “darker side” of the porn industry is so fast and so life altering that it would be very difficult to recover from.

      Especially in the states where they only do testing, but do not wear condoms. As those of us who have deeper knowledge about sexually transmitted diseases and infections, testing is not the safest option.

      Of course, a young, impressionable girl could get caught up in similar behavior in Holly wood and could have some similar repercussions. I guess the difference to me is that it is not part of her job description.

      I am excited about the direction I see the porn industry heading. I am aware of the shift that is taking place and I applaud the sexologists who are developing educational focused, yet sensually stimulating videos to help people learn more about their bodies and their sexuality.

      If I had a desire to watch pornography, I would research more and make sure I was supporting the companies that have the health and wellness of their actors in mind. I do not have the desire, so I haven’t.

      I do not have a television in my home and I raised my kids in a media free home until it became unreasonable. At the core, I am happiest living a simple life, teaching and sharing what I love with little to no media of any form. In fact, our family lived fully off grid without running water or even alternative power.

      So I am a tad extreme, which is why I have a tendency to stay away from these types of topics, but I thought screw it! No pun intended lol. And I wrote the post.

      I am enjoying the conversation and your openness in sharing. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts. I have a book that I have wanted to publish for almost 3 years, but I haven’t because it dances a fine line between educational and pornographic. I have decided this week to finally publish my book because my intention is clear and I know the book will provide a benefit to those who resonate with it.

      I wish that humans from all walks of life and all industries would hold themselves to a higher ethical standard and I am pleased that some of the porn producers are doing so.

      In Community,

      Joy

Leave a Reply