As many of you know, I am an Intimacy and Sex Coach. For those of you who don’t fully grasp what a sex coach is, it basically means that I help individuals and couples increase their sexual intelligence, enhance their pleasure and re-discover their passion. One of the biggest challenges I face is that often times an individual will come to me because they are lost and feel alone even though they have a partner/lover/spouse.
As you can imagine, it makes my job much more challenging, especially if the person I am working with is not comfortable discussing their sessions with their partner. When a couple come to me and want to work together to improve their love life, magic happens. Unfortunately, if the person seeking help is alone and their partner is either unaware of the issues or unwilling to address the issues, it is very difficult (though not impossible) to create positive change.
If you are reading this post without your partner’s awareness, it is possible that you fall into this category. Often times people deal with their issue by having an affair. Hollywood has profited off of the whole “desperate housewife” theme. Because our society is working on becoming less gender biased, you can also watch mainstream TV shows and movies where a stay-at-home dad feels threatened by his wife’s success and begins a steamy affair with the nanny.
Affairs are of course not limited to straight couples. Affairs are not limited to any particular race, financial status, or geographic location. Sites like Ashley Maddison will tell you, “Life is short. Have an affair.” Although Ashley Maddison and Hollywood might make sex with a stranger look enticing, having an affair is not a sustainable solution.
This is of course just my opinion. If you really want to go out and have an affair with a random stranger, or even develop a romantic relationship on the side, nothing I say is likely to stop you. To be clear, I am not saying this from a place of judgment, I am speaking from a place of compassion and love.
If you are currently unhappy in your intimate relationship, the way I see it, you have three options: Love it. Hate it. Leave it. If you have decided that leaving your partner is not an option, then leaving it is out. So you are left with two choices; love it or hate it. The sensible decision is of course, to focus on loving your relationship or at least yourself.
From my perspective, the first step in healing your relationship is to get really honest with yourself. When couples attend a session together, I begin by serving them a glass of wine, juice, tea, or water. I then serve them delicious snacks that feed their souls. I do this to help them relax. When we are relaxed, we are able to be more open and honest with ourselves.
When I first began coaching couples many years ago, I asked them to speak freely and openly. I made sure that they each had an opportunity to express themselves without guidance and without holding back. What a counter-productive idea that was. Everyone wants to tell you that you need to communicate with your partner to make things work. I am of course and advocate for healthy, non-violent, compassionate communication.
However, that is not what people who are facing serious relationship issues typically do. When we are in an emotional crisis, nine times out of ten we want to blame someone. In the case of a couple, we want to blame each other. So I now begin by asking each individual what they have done to contribute to the core issues within their relationship. It can be very uncomfortable to allow yourself to be vulnerable but it is part of the process.
Admitting our mistakes naturally makes us feel exposed and vulnerable, so a lot of people resist doing so. The point I want to make is this; if you cannot open yourself, if you cannot communicate with respect and compassion, if you are not able to admit to at least yourself the mistakes you have made, you are not only letting your partner down you are also letting yourself down as well.
If your relationship is not open enough to communicate on this level, that’s okay too. If it is too painful or simply not feasible to do the work with your partner, begin with you. Stop focusing so much energy thinking about all of the shit that has gone down. Stop focusing on the past. Stop focusing on the hurt, betrayal, or whatever negative emotions you feel…
Begin by simply focusing on YOU! Because you are worthy. You are worthy of respect. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of trust. You are beautiful. You are capable. You are compassionate. You are unique and it is your uniqueness that differentiates you from the rest. Until you are able to truly love yourself, it will be nearly impossible for your partner to love you.
So please say it with me: “I am worthy of love. I am beautiful. I am worthy of respect. I deeply and completely love myself. I love myself unconditionally.”
From my heart to yours,