I thought my threesome post was the most difficult to write. However, the post I am writing now is proving to be far more difficult to express. The last you all knew, my husband Mountain and I had experienced a threesome with one of his closest friends, Y, who was grieving the loss of his family because of a fairly recent divorce.
I didn’t ever follow up and describe what unfolded next because Y was not fully comfortable with me writing about our relationship. I now have his permission to write about the experience from my personal perspective.
After that weekend of sexual experimentation, it became clear that Y had feelings for me. Feelings that he had pushed down since meeting me because I was introduced to him while I was in a monogamous marriage to one of his longtime friends, Mountain. During our entire 18-year friendship I only once or twice caught a glimpse of any attraction Y felt towards me.
However, once Mountain opened our bedroom door and Y was given “permission” to experience me sexually, all boundaries vanished. Mountain, Y and I continued our connection for two months (August 4th – October 1st). We entered into an official polyandrous relationship during the first week of our sexual connection. Polyandry is when one woman has more than one committed male sexual partner. So our relationship was polyandrous.
The two months Mountain, Y and I spent together exploring and experiencing each other on sexually, emotionally, and spiritually resulted in some of the most amazing sexual experiences I have had in my entire life. Beyond the sexual aspect of our connection, on an emotional level, having two committed male partners who were both compassionate, loving, kind, generous, and sexually adept was honestly totally mind-blowing for me.
Unfortunately, there is a saying, “All good things must come to an end.” I am not comfortable sharing the personal details related to the breakdown of my two-decade-long marriage to my best friend and one true love. The events leading up to my separation from Mountain are between us and will forever stay that way. I will say that we are working towards a “spiritual separation” and we are doing our best to maintain a friendship. I shared with Mountain that I was finally writing this post. He accepted my decision to do so.
Because Mountain and I have experienced such deep passion and we have shared so many amazing moments together, I will admit that being “just friends” is proving to be an incredibly intense challenge for both of us. For two decades I spent almost every day with Mountain. We have rarely slept apart. When we were apart, we talked on the phone almost hourly. Somehow our conversations were always lively, passionate, and connected.
Somehow, we never got bored with each other. Of course, while reflecting on our marriage and more importantly, the story of our love, I can see the mistakes we both made along the way. But in all honesty, I have absolutely no regrets. I would do it all the same way if I had the opportunity to do it all again. It is my hope that our love story will continue, though the roles we play in each other’s lives have evolved.
I was gearing up for a blog revamp. I thought I would be writing about our poly adventures. Although I could, of course, go back and write about the intense sexual experiences we had with Y, somehow those stories feel personal now that Mountain and I are not sexually or romantically together. I know that our mutual moans of ecstasy will haunt my dreams for all of eternity.
So the question that I have been contemplating over the past few weeks since we separated is: What’s next for me?
After Mountain moved out, we had a twenty-minute conversation and managed to split our assets. We accomplished the functional aspect of separation in less than one day. Learning to co-parent as a separated couple has had it’s challenging moments, but overall I think we are doing well. I will always respect how dedicated and hard-working Mountain is. He left our marriage with his dream property, which makes my heart sing. After all of the sacrifices he has made for our family, I want all of his dreams to become reality.
Our oldest two children came back to Iowa to support us and their baby sister, while our second youngest moved out to BC where his older siblings now reside. For me, this means that three of my four biological children are now living in British Columbia, while I am living in Iowa. My heart is divided. Not only because of how much I miss having Mountain in my life, but also because three of my children live so far away from me.
There is a saying, “When it rains, it pours.” Since our separation, my daughter’s dog was brutally hit by a car. Luckily, she lived, and although she required round the clock care, she is finally beginning to regain function of her back end. Yesterday, while preparing for her flight back to BC, my daughter was in a car accident and totaled my car. When the call came in, I was at the vet’s office getting my dog’s staples removed. For a few moments, I thought one of my children had been killed in the car accident.
I think the experience was amplified for all of us because my daughter’s best friend, who was only 20 years old was recently killed in a car crash. My daughter was so upset that she totaled my car. Honestly, I could care less. Of course, it creates a few extra challenges at an already difficult time, but everyone involved (2 drivers and 2 passengers) walked away from the accident with mainly minor injuries. I would give up every dollar, every belonging, even my shelter to ensure my children’s safety.
I realize this post is not uplifting. It is not erotic, or even sensual. However, this is my life right now. I started my nude photo site a couple months back. I was supposed to post another photo set 11 days ago. I have not been able to get in front of the camera and feel at home in my body. I think it’s because I normally process my life and the events that unfold (whether good, bad, sexy, or ugly) through blogging.
Let’s hope that my intention for this post (to process and express the sadness and grief in my heart and body) helps me let go into myself once again. The nude photo journey I embarked upon is vital to my personal process. Any support or encouragement is deeply appreciated. I hope the past few months in your life have been less eventful than mine. Please imagine me smiling with a look of confidence in my eyes when you hear me say that. I may not be fully “okay” today but I am working on it.
I am here. I am alive. I am free to live my life and explore my sexuality in any way I please. So that’s a positive right?
Happy Saturday from my heart to yours,
PS: I got my nipples pierced by my beautiful daughter who is a professional tattooist and piercer!